Oct 4 2017
We told the kids about the separation God. It was the hardest day of my life. Yesterday I woke up knowing my son hated me.
All day long, I got video texts from him that were brutal. It was amazing how I survived a 6 hour back to back day. How I was able to get out of bed.
But again, your hand through this all was nothing short of amazing.
- that I was out with Jeff when he found the texts between us.
- that I would insist on not rushing home and dancing - that it was beautiful and communal, and I could feel your love and joy through the whole evening. Holding both the impending shifts and joy at the same time.
- that I could laugh and joke and hold it all with the epic implications of it all
Nothing could have prepared me the following day.
For the wash of hate and fury that the boy shot at me. I think that even his sister was caught off guard. He sent me brutal Marco messages all day, punching all my buttons.
- you blew up this family
- you are so selfish
- all you care about is yourself
in the evening, it was
- you dumped dad, he still loves you
- why do you have kids to put them through this hell
- you shouldn't have gotten married
- i don't want to live, i want to hurt myself,
- that the pain was so bad
It was brutal to hear him. I felt for a moment the shield of the therapist come down. I know that shield, it has protected me from borderlines, from Enoch, from my mother and from his parents. I know that shield that leaves me eerily calm and cold. That shield that was almost there the night he found the texts. But in that moment, i can't tell if it was being with Jeff or you God, every inch you, I felt the veil of that protection fall and I felt every bit of that pain.
It was a miracle that I felt it all day and still survived a 6 hour back to back. That with every Marco message, I felt like the worst mother in the world, like it wasn't worth fighting every accusation he threw at me. That if he really thought I was that bad of a person, then why even stay and fight for them. I felt like all the guys in my practice that said - ok keep the kids. If that is who they think I am -- then let me leave and run away.
But Jeff made me stay. His texts all day was an anchor. That I could do this, that I was a good mother. That I needed to hold steady and be his mother. That I wasn't that kind of person that would leave her child. That Aidan needs his mother, that he is just worried that I would leave.
And he was right, because my son said "I don't have a mother. You are with him."
I held his anger for the whole day and it was the hardest day of my life. For all the years, enoch put me through, it was nothing compared to this. To feel the hate and fury of your own child. I felt all the world unravel under me. I felt the stories of my clients -- her children screaming down the street. Her husband pitting them against her. I felt all the divorce stories I had sat with through the years blaze before me. It's happening. Why did I not see this coming? All of the chaos I anticipated. I prepared. I drew out four phases of transition. I did not see this coming. The hate of my children.
I felt myself isolating. I told, San, Margot, Reena, Angel, Kian Yan, and that's it. I let no one in. It is amazing how I don't let anyone. I sat there with each of them and said why did i think anyone would understand.
They all did. They all saw how unhappy I was. But I just grappled for anyone who would understand the pain you feel when you see the impact of the divorce on the kids.
Jeff tried to talk to me - tell me that there was no way around this. That it's change, and whoever asks for the divorce will always be the bad guy.
Kambria was such a gift - someone to pray with that morning that and to hear from her that my experience has been helpful.
I cried on the way home. Tears. They have been coming more. It is nothing short of a miracle. I told Jeff that I was willing to let go of us-- maybe this is too hard. That my job is to protect my family. He got it, he got my fear. He got that he might lose me. He said "if you give me up, you would give you up." He was right, but I had given me up all my life, what is a couple of more years. I begged God for a sign, a palpable sign that if this relationship is what He wants -- I needed a sign.
And what happened next was nothing short of the resurrection.
My son let me touch him. Let me me tap him. After raging and recoiling, after curling and literally punching his own head which was excruciating to watch -- he let me touch him.
And this new me, the mother that was so hurt and shut down by the time Nally was born, held my child the way, I held him when he was born. At that moment, after 10 year of being married, I was heart broken and numb. Aidan was the one I sang "I will give my life for you to." Aidan was the one that was the first man that healed my then, broken heart. This would be the only male, I would entrust love to. That he would never hurt me the way his father did the last decade of our marriage. There he was ravaging my heart, and all of the old me would have left.
And I stayed. " You get to hate me your whole life, baby but I will never leave. I am not going anywhere, I will always be here."
What happened next was a miracle, but I am realizing that moment was a miracle. Something has shifted in me in the last 5 months. I can feel things. I can feel pain. I can actually be in such excruciating pain and stay. And hold steady for my son. I can feel the grief of all the years, the hate of two countries, every community I've ever had, the christian community, the Sommatica community, the hate of my girlfriends who had been rooting for this marriage. I felt them all in the face of my son. And all of me wanted to leave -- but I stayed.
When he finally turned and let me hug him. I just wept. I just sobbed and said I was sorry. That I tried for so long and so hard. That daddy was not a bad guy just someone who did not work for me. That he liked to go out and be away. And help the world and that was a good thing. It just did not work for me.
And then he asked if Jeff was a good guy. I can't believe him.
I told him that Jeff was consistent, he paid attention and that he prayed with me. And he said that he was ok with it as long as it made me happy. Floored.
We went through all the scenarios -- is Jeff coming to Hawaii, family camp?
I told him, that we had just met, it was five months. We're taking it slow and that daddy didn't want them to meet him till later. And i felt my husband's rage in the moment, the promise I made to say nothing. but I thought, it was the only way to be with my children especially Aidan. You cannot lie.
I promised him that we would have the best divorce in the world. That we would do everything to be there for him. That we would still be mommy and daddy. That would keep all the family traditions of dinners and vacations and new years. That we had been separated for weeks and they had not noticed a thing. Because we aren't those families who fight or are mean. We would be loving and compassionate with each other.
Then he switched and I can't believe it. His mood swings? or God. This child that had stayed home. Raged all day, said the meanest most awful things, just switched and he said he loved me. Gave me hugs all the rest of the night. And went on to chat with his buddy from Priory, adjusted his deadlines for his tests.
It was as if God was addressing every fear I had in the car. That I had ruined my children's lives. That this would impact their school. That they would have to emdr this one day. That I took two kids in the prime of their lives and threw them under the bus.
God took each fear and addressed them all.
It was nothing short of the resurrection.
Bedtime conversations were again epic. We cuddled in bed and he chatted.
Quotable quotes
Good job hanging in there for 26 years mom, many people would have left.
Why didn't you leave earlier?
You were not heart-connected?
Wait, how did you have sex if you were not heart-connected?
Jeff and I sat and just laughed ourselves to death over dinner. It was amazing to be with someone who could see the multi-layers of how amazing this boy was. How he got in a second what it took two somatica modules to do. That he "knew" on some cellular level that we were not a "good fit." He knew. And that if we were committed to having the "best divorce in the world" we would be ok. It was amazing to talk to someone who got it. Who understood the magnitude of how insightful the boy was, how intelligent, the profundity of his statements.
That Aidanwas so intuitive. That he could sense there was something missing in my hugs. That dad's hugs felt different. That he meant it. That he was sad too. That he missed me and loved me. And that this was hard. I said that dad deserved someone who would not be so angry with him. That would really applaud him for doing his disaster relief trips. He said, he should have a partner that went with him. Is that crazy? Jeff was just simply floored.
And for a moment, I felt the pride of all the years of upbringing. This is my son. My every inch amazing son, and someone else could see him too. I had put snippets of him on Facebook, I could talk to their therapists on how quotable he is. But last night, Face-timing Jeff over his dinner and having someone else witness my child, gave me the glimpse of a co-parent I had been longing for all these years.
" I hope to meet him one day" he said. And as if Aidan knew, he insisted on saying hi on his way to bed.
It couldn't have been more perfect. And just as I prayed years ago. God you plan my exit. You do right by me. I will not leave in shame. I will leave with my dignity intact, with the kids ok. You will make a way out for me. You will not put me to shame.
It was all the confirmation I needed to know that this relationship was from Him. I looked at Jeff and said "How do you like MY God?" Jeff believes in God, but now I think he BELIEVES in God.
Thank you Jesus. Amidst all this talk on churches and Christians. No one who knows me can contest the fact that I know you. That you and I have had a relationship as old as the hills. I summed it up best when I talk about you in confidence to Jeff. "I know God, he has been my husband for years."
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