Mindspace

6 in 4 days

Nally went off to camp today after a week home with me and daddy. It was amazing to have just her for the week, and to realize just how low maintenance my first born is. She is such a different presence and quite a lovely one. How different my life would be if i have just one child.
This past week, she has loved coming with me to go work out, loving the routine and friend-making in the child-watch there. She had loved sitting in the hot tub with me at the gym and simply amusing herself at the coffee shop which is my office.
Daddy has taken her to the San Francisco Zoo, the Discovery museum and trips to the office and to Fraiche. One time he came to pick her up so that she could do something else but hang out doing nothing at the coffee shop and she said she was not ready to go.
Today she starts 7 weeks of camp. One science, 2 Chinese, 1 Vacation Bible School, 2 weeks of drama and the last one public speaking.
As she trots off a lone figure trailing behind a group of kids, my heart tugs a little. In 4 days she will be 6.
The other day after her performance at church, i took her in my arms and took her that she was getting too old, and that would she pretend to be a baby every now and then for me?
The girl must have sensed me choking back the tears because she uncurled herself from my arms and squeezed both my hands tightly.
6 years old marks the departure from "young childhood" into pre-teenhood. Where did all the time go?

Nally's Dance Recital

Nally had her end of year dance recital this morning. What started out as a weeklong camp 2 years ago has now evolved into something my little girl is asking to continue next year. There is something to be said about time. When we first started the year, i was reconciled to dabbling in dance, working with the teacher on my "zone-y" kid, working on focus. By the end of the year, my child is focussed to the point of being deadpan serious during rehearsals, striking up ballets positions all through the day and asking to continue with Teacher Em next year.
As a child, i was always intrigued with the discipline of ballerinas, enthralled with the rigor and exclusivity of dance culture. i always wished that i had taken some dance growing up, it would have kept me grounded in my body and less self-conscious on the dance floor.
Today as i watch my little girl strike up statuesque positions all through the day, i am thrilled that she will be a more graceful figure than i.

Containing professional insecurity

i negotiated my first retainer today. A client that i had done work for was a month late on his payment. This same client was considering having me on retainer for consecutive months. i was torn between wondering if he was a client worth keeping or whether he was delaying payment awaiting my confirmation of this retainer arrangement.
It brought back a memory from when i was brand new out in freelance practice. i took offense to every late-paying client. i was sure they were out to "get me", take advantage of me and were trying to cheat me. i remember really pushing one client to close out his account, i knew he was very pleased with my work but at the end of the day when he handed me my check, he said " This is one way not to get repeat business".
i remember complaining to my father about my inconsiderate client and my father telling me a story about the Sultan of Brunei. He said there was an architect that was trying to collect on a job with the Sultan of Brunei. He pestered and pestered the king and the king finally paid up. The architect got his payment but he never got another job from the Sultan again.
A decade later as i contemplate the injustice of a client that repays my prompt service, my attentive hand holding, my meticulous work with a delayed payment, i really consider how to go about collecting. Collecting is such a delicate business in consulting. It's almost worth a 3rd party agency.
But as i took a deep breath and crafted a letter that communicated clear boundaries, continued dedication to service, and general good will -- i knew this was an exercise for me in containing my own insecurity and acting as professionally as i can.
It turned out, he responded to my email with forthcoming generosity and confirmation of an indefinite retainer. I was thrilled at how i stood my ground professionally yet gave him the benefit of a doubt. A decade later, i am still learning not to take things personally, to act professionally and with integrity without compromising my own needs. A balance too delicate for me.

Self-Schooling Aidan

Aidan is so neglected compared to Nally. At his age, Nally was "severely homeschool-ed", analyzed and experimented on. We were doing experiments every evening, drills at every mealtime, singing alphabets and phonics.
With him, i am reluctant even to buy him workbooks if Nally has used them before. He gets far fewer software chosen just for him. He just gets whatever we have around.
So it always amazes me how much he knows. The other day, he found the advent calendar from Christmas. It is one i bought from Starbucks one with little drawers in the shape of a tree with a number on each one marking the 1-24 days of Christmas. He spends 5 minutes messing with it and the next thing i know the guy's lined up the drawers in sequence 1-10.
More than the Math, i was more impressed that he found a "game" all by himself. All this while i was moping around the house trying to find enough energy to set up a science experiment that didn't take hours to prepare and minutes to get through. The guy found a "learning game" all on his own! So i took out some red beans and we counted the beans into each drawer. i almost wept with pride.
But i am so amazed at how much focus and academic interest the boy has. He is the opposite of Nally my a-linear, random and non-traditional learner. He loves workbooks, loves writing, counting, anything repetitive, sequential and drill-like. He is such a joy to homeschool.
During his hitting phase, his teacher actually made him write " i will not hit my friends 5 times " in English and Chinese -- a feat i could not imagine Nally doing in a million years. It left him with this thing for copying now.
Too funny.

My Musical Heritage

With enoch running thousands of songs through his karaoke lately, i am most recently struck by what i am articulating as "musical heritage ".
Everyone has one, the music they were "brought up with". Even if you come from the most "un-musical" family. Insidiously, unconsciously like a virus, you were exposed to music as a child. Even if they were commercial jingles, they form the backdrop on how we formulate our musical taste and sensitivity.
i always hear people say " i grew up hearing the songs of...." and the stories of how musicians would spend their evenings listening to their parents tinker on the piano. How these seemingly benign snippets of musical exposure played such a crucial role in their musical career the rest of their lives.
When i took Nally to symphony in utero i was determined to give her a diet i never got. A greater threshold for orchestral and classical music. It was something my parents didn't expose us much to. Classical music to this day is associated with piano lessons and Royal School of Music exams.
Even as an adult, i can only "endure" 1-2 live classical pieces at a time. Plays and theatre ( which they brought us up watching ) is a whole different thing.
Our musical heritage shapes the way we think, our values, our appreciation of lyrics, of melody/harmony, our tolerance level of symphonic music, or broadway.
Today as i listen to my husband adopt indiscriminately any song they happen to sing in the karaoke, i realize that just like my food diet, my parents were very discriminatory about what they let enter our ears.
At home we were raised on church cantatas, pentecostal worship songs, weddings solos, and broadway show tunes. My sister and i would memorize line by line the lyrics and script of all the Roger and Hammersteins -- Sound of Music, Oklahoma, South Pacific, the King and I. Everything i learnt about America, i learnt through broadway.
Occasionally, in "papa's car" we got the secular music of Carpenters and BeeGees. But in mommy's car, she kept a steady diet of sermon tapes, worship music and her alto recordings for her part in the church choir.
In retrospect, when i think about how sensitive i am to secular music now, i really appreciate her discernment. Values and belief system get embedded in music. Even if we decide we are " just listening to the music and not the words".
i remembered when i rededicated my life to God at age 15, it main stream pop was one thing i gave up spontaneously without anyone asking.
i remember the very extreme speaker at camp who "demonized" everything, say " Let's see you do quiet time every day and pray for hours and then turn on the mainstream radio and see how long you can stand it".
Looking back now, she was very extreme at that time. But as i mellow through the years, i have to admit she does have a point.
The other night, i was researching a version of a worship song that i really liked and enoch was telling me his favorite song from the karaoke bar, and it was called" lick my stinky balls" from the guy who wrote South Park. He thought it was hysterically goofy.
And i looked at him with this mixture of disbelief and horror and really thought to myself
" Wow." Lightness and Darkness do repel each other. i don't think i am extra holy these days, but something about humming a worship song all day does make a comment like that seem really repulsive. When we choose to fill our minds and ears with songs that praise God, it does do something to our soul even if we are just " listening to the music and not the words".

When you keep yourself on a diet of "What is lovely, what is good" .. everything that isn't just doesn't sit right. It's probably why i still can't sit comfortably at karaoke bars. i am so aware of the lyrics, so aware of the tunes, so aware of the emotions and the moods it instills in the bodies around.

So i've decided i am guarding my children's musical soul. Just like their TV diet, i am determined to not let their ears get jaded. Just like how Nally winces every time she sees violence displayed on the screen ( even emotional violence ) i want to cultivate in them a musical sensitivity.
My children were raised on Christian music. They fall asleep to worship music every night. With the ease they learn a Christian song at church, they learn a secular song like " Take me out to the Ballgame" or "Yellow Submarine" from school. You have to believe, that whether or not they understand the lyrics, the Spirit is working in them when they sing worship songs.
For all the things that i am willing to accept will be different for them, these days i am praying for a spiritual musical heritage not unlike my own. i am praying that they would grow up seeing kids their age, raise their hands in worship, speak in tongues and lead worship like the grown ups. i pray that they would be able to sense the presence and anointing of the Holy Spirit as sure as you would feel a cloak or a garment.
i am not against non-Christian music, but i do want to preserve my children's sensitivity. While i am not as charismatic as my youth, what i am grateful for everyday as a remnant from my spiritual heritage -- is a recognition of the sacredness and power of worship.
For us Pentecostals, it was sometimes even more important than the preaching. Worship ushered the presence of God, and that was sufficient enough to send demons away, or drive us to our knees.
i don't go to a Pentecostal church now, but when i listen to a certain song, a certain couple of notes on the piano, when i feel the spirit stir inside of me, when i wince to hear certain lyrics, i know that i am every inch one deep inside.
This is my musically heritage.

Random Acts of Learning

Nally was struggling with a homework worksheet the other day. It had her doing double digit addition and coloring the picture in with a number:color legend. The girl took three separate attempts to complete the sheet, the last of which she did with daddy and was so painful to watch ( between her trembly frustrated voice and her random attempts to avoid working on it ) i had to walk away. i finally told her teacher she couldn't do double digit addition. Either that, or she really hated coloring.
Today with Keyskills( a computer program), the kid was attempting triple digit addition with "carry over" because with each correct answer, you get to kick this ball into the net past a goalie. i taught her quickly, she learnt it, and was more upset that the goalie kept her from scoring more goals than she was learning a much more complicated Math concept.
i am so struck by how learning is so inconsequential to Nally. She is such a "means to an end" learner. Learning double digit addition for the heck of
it, was not worthwhile and it was definitely not worth while to color. But for a chance to kick a soccer ball into a net. She will learn whatever she needs to in order to try that.
i remember a story about a homeschooled child who did not learn algebra till he got to college. Then he learnt it. And then what.
So much of learning today, and learning at a certain time and by a certain time overlooks the most important thing. Why we learn.
We learn when what we're learning is useful and important to us.i am learning not to stress when other kids in her class are grasping concepts ahead of time and with much gusto and enthusiasm for the joy of a parents' praise.i am learning to trust that when my child learns she will learn because she wants to, because she decides that what she is learning is important and then and only then will she own what she learns.

Aidan's Graduation

Nothing is as cute as a preschool graduation. All the pomp and circumstance of elementary is replaced with these squirming, worming little 3-4 year olds on stage. The auditorium is filled with "awwwws". They are adorable and we really see their progress from performance to performance! All kudos to the teachers.
Here is our little man onstage and he is much more composed than Chinese New Year where he was a mad man in his own world dancing his own number in the back row. Today, he was focussed, knew all his lyrics in Chinese and English, all his actions and was voted "best hipster". His teacher suggests that we put the guy in theatre. Watch out for more movies to come.

Our New Pool

We are enjoying our new pool, a gift we are all too aware we are blessed to enjoy. It's been 3 years since our last remodel. i did it 8 months pregnant with Aidan. This one went so smoothly, so quickly, without a hitch that either i have become much more laid back -- or that ( of course ) God is on our side.
We saved up 3 years for the remodel and it is no small feat. i was very blessed to find resources that fit my very expensive taste ( watch me pick out all the most expensive flagstone just by looking! ). Our contractors were a Godsend and completely trustworthy. They actually recommended subcontractors which freed us from an exorbitant quote by a local Pool company. They finished it all in 5 weeks ahead of schedule.
But it's worth it. The backyard which we do most 90% of our entertaining is finally worthy of the insides of our house. Especially with 80 degrees weather recently, the kids are all too happy to jump into the water after school to cool off.
For someone who never grew up with a backyard, or a pool ( why can't we just fill it ? ) i finally see the benefits. Especially when my husband hosts karaoke parties till 2 am in the morning. i am thrilled to have a comfortable backyard, so the kids and i can sleep inside : )

Nally's Kindergarten Graduation

Nally graduated from kindergarten this week. The school had a intimate ceremony the way only a school that size can. Where else can the graduating class of 5 five-graders get to each give their graduating speech in Chinese and English?

The school has a lovely tradition of honoring each child for an individual trait. Nally got recognized for her "Independent Learning" which got me laughing because it is the remnant sign of my homeschooled child. i can't decide if it's a compliment or a complaint in disguise. She also got awarded for "greatest improvement" which i chalked up to both our "special times" of learning as well as plain old developmental progress. i congratulated myself for not pushing.
The most precious thing i thought was when she went up to get both her awards, the older kids cheered. i didn't know it was them at first because i was up in front taking pictures, but enoch said they were the older kids and they did not cheer for anyone else. This tells me that during recess and lunchtime, she is navigating the playground and making connections.
It warmed my heart to know that even though the girl is quiet and non-demonstrative, even aloof at times, she still is finding ways of connecting. Since she was 2 years old, she always managed to connect with older girls and found "adopted big sisters" in simply a week at VBS.
That i thought is the greatest achievement in my child's growth.On to 1st grade!

Hiroku

i've always known that every child is different. But as the children grow and i am committed to their learning styles, i am even more struck by how different approaches are needed with the same activity.
Aidan is in a "hitting phase" again. At 3.5, it's a whole different problem from when he was 2. It's not as funny.
The teachers have been wonderful with working with him, putting his hands in " time out" and giving him a script, i've been working on him "using Hands-Down" power and leveraging the fact that he is going turn 4 soon and that is definitely not "da ge ge ( big brother behavior )".
But when the teacher suggested taking martial arts class so we can contextualize, confine and give him an outlet for his boy energy, i knew that i couldn't send Aidan to where Nally went when she was 4. We would definitely not consider Ben Shao Lin Gong Fu classes that is offered in the after school at Yew Chung.
It's so funny because for Nally, we've always been working on her to be more assertive, we've encouraging her to "grab", get her instruments in Gymboree instead of letting all the other kids grab. Studio Kicks which she affectionately calls " Hah Hah! " is run by an ex-Power Ranger stunt man. The boys in that program start at 4 and then learn sword work and hand to hand combat. It's truly Kong Fu and beautiful to behold.

But when i watch my son, replicate the Gong Fu moves off a Gong Fu video game kiosk almost to perfection, i knew i wanted a different program for him.
So we found Hiruko -- which is completely different from the Studio Kicks martial arts studio that Nally went to.

Yesterday we went to our first class at Hiruko and i know for sure that this is the program that my son needs.
It is the opposite of Teacher Brandon who is yelling through the mike and giving everyone " Down 10" push ups punishments for fidgeting. The moms and i always laugh about how we want to kidnap Teacher Brandon home to run our families.
Hiruko is 180 degrees different. Everyone is in white. There is sign that says we need to whisper when we go in. It is holistic, integrated and based more on the philosophy of Taekwondo.
It's so beautiful and resonates so much with my being i almost weep watching.
The little kids have to meditate before and after their practice. It's adorable to watch this fidgety little boys clenched their eyes tight in a huge effort to be still.
The teacher is totally child-centered and uses the most creative techniques to get the kids attention Eg. " Look at my eyes" " Laser eyes" " No 10 Focus". They never talk about winning. They talk about being strong, the "martial arts way" of respect and obedience. They even talk about eating vegetables and being healthy.
I watched him coach this one kid through a response exercise and he told the child " It's not about power. When you bring down your hand like that, you lose speed. We know you're strong. Let's try being gentle. Look, when i move lightly i am fast ". i almost wept.
It's just beautiful. Just perfect for Aidan. Just perfect for me actually. i find myself repeating the mantras back at home " It's
not about winning Aidan" ( as he weeps when he lost a game ) or when we talk about being gentle and fast instead of strong and slow.
It's amazing. Truly amazing.

Consulting Up in the City

It's been so much fun working the new gig up in the city. Apart from the fact that it's lovely to be in a "good" design firm again with nice, decent UNIVERSAL good taste, i am struck by how different it is from the energy level on the Peninsular.
It's amazing what an hour drive makes. I am used to a smart, intelligent, academic, intentional, spiritual community in Palo Alto but in San Francisco, the one thing that strikes me that is so different is SPEED.
Or maybe it's because i feel like i am growing old, but i think enoch and i live a pretty hectic life. But when i walk into Scout Labs this young startup on top of the 13 floor of a gorgeous building on Fremont, the one thing that strikes me apart from the fact that the CEO is a woman and practically younger than me is the SPEED.
The speed in which they talk and work and work the computer. The speed in which they zip around the interface. The speed in which their brains work, they way they map mental models to different applications online.
i mean i am used to deep, intellectual, profound discussions made in classrooms, but these guys are machines. They are talking and moving a mile a minute. They are blazing.
It's exhilarating watching them. It's fun to watch them with their ultra-thin lap tops, email and ichating and iMing and sending things to printers all at the same time.
It's fascinating watching how their minds work.

It reminds me of a client that my brother-in-law Ben ( who is a VC and a decade younger ) referred me. When we met up he looked at me and said " It's such a relief to be working with someone my age" and we both just laughed.

It's amazing to see what the new generation expects out of their UIs.
Although, gigs like these that are referred by my agent pays me less than what i get on the Peninsular, i've decided it is worth the pay cut just to go up there every 3-4 weeks and take the pulse of the new tech community.

Women's Sexuality Group

This week was the last day of my sexuality class. It's been a life-changing experience for me--one that has really influenced the way i think of sex and my own sexuality.
Yesterday as i watched my 40-some year old professor trot around in heels, blonde hair swinging with a energetic flirtatious aura, i know i will miss her weekly exposure of " sexual desensitization". i will miss her forcing Betty Dodson videos on us, and sexological body workers and David Schnarch's tapes. In the past weeks, i have met transexuals, members of the polyamorous community, members of the S&M community, a physical therapist that only works with pelvic floors and unconsummated couples, a therapist that specializes in same-sex domestic violence .. .i feel like my eyes have been opened and i am so much more compassionate and less judgmental.
They have all been the most beautiful, fascinating and meaningful people.
So when i found out that she was leading a 8-week women's group on Sexuality. i signed up.
I've been to so many retreats, and i am so used to going to CODA meetings "cold" but it was still a little nerve wrecking to go into a group that specifically talks about our sexuality.
It turned out to be lovely. She took so much pains to make us feel comfortable and her office was just so beautiful.
i look forward to learning more in that more intimate setting.

Doesn't Get Crazier than This

It's been a crazy week. Between papers for the last week of school, a new consulting gig up in San Francisco, and still keeping to the full time job of my gym and "playing with husband", I am just recovering on a Friday morning with no deadline, no paper, no date with husband ( he is working ) and all i have to do is attend Nally's graduation this afternoon.
Here is a peek of the last 2 days.

Wednesday
6.30 Wake up and worry about user testing
8.30 Drop kids off at school.
8.30 Work out
9.30 Drive to SF.
10.30 to 2pm Usability Testing in SF
2pm Drive back up to Mountain View
3.15 Drive Nally to Ballet
3.30 Ballet
4.30 Drive to school
5.30 -8.30 Class at SCU
9pm Drive to Karoke to meet husband
10pm Drive home
11pm in bed

Thursday
7am Wake up
8.15 Drop kids off
8.30 Walk with Jane
9.45 Shower at Gym
10am Drive up to SF
11-2pm Usability Testing in SF
2pm Drive back to Mountain View
3.00 Pick up Aidan
3.15 Drive Aidan to Gym
4pm Special time with Aidan
5pm Drive home for dinner
6.15 to 7.45pm Women's group
8-10pm Yogurt with a girlfriend
10-12pm Watch movie with husband.

Doesn't get crazier than this.

Working at Home

Two of my closest girlfriends went back to work recently and i can't help but mourn their absences.
As i listen to their stories adjusting back to work, their worry about the home front, i am surprised to realize that no matter how glamorous it is to be working up in San Francisco and no matter how lovely it is to have corporate benefits again ( the likes of which PAMF cannot compare ) -- i couldn't envision going back to work full time.
If you had talked to me a year ago, i would have told you otherwise. i would have told you that i would give anything for my husband to understand and feel what it's like to be a househusband, or to understand what it's like to be in charge of the homefront.
One of my girlfriend switched roles with her husband and her comment was " i definitely have the easier job".
A year ago, i would pit my happiness and career and go back full time so that my husband would appreciate me more and "take me seriously" and see me as an equal.
But months of recovery and personal work later, i realize nobody is ever going to appreciate the dilemma, the silent frustration, the ongoing angst of what it's like to be fully functioning, red-blooded, competent, intelligent woman who is also head over heels in love with her children. No one. No amount about household finagling, logistical reconfiguration will bring relief to that angst. It's our curse. Just like its theirs to have a penis that has a life of it's own battling sexual tension all the rest of their days.
( If you ask me, i'll take the tensions of mothering any day. )
i also learnt that if i was looking to him to make me feel worthy, equal, important, "just as smart", it was a precarious set up for failure. Nobody is going to offer to "give mothers a break" or take the kids in the morning so i can sleep in. i was either going to have to ask for it ( out loud ) or buy it in resources.
It has taken me five years to believe that my husband doesn't see me as less because i wasn't working full time. He might not appreciate fully what it's like to be a mother and a creative, competent intelligent human being. He may not understand the angst and worry i have every time i consider a new project. But he appreciates me. Not my work me.
And at the end of the day, i learn not to jeopardize my children's well being to prove my point, or to ensure a gender dynamic in my marriage. i learnt to thank God for the privilege to reconfigure and reinvent myself, to really center and find my self worth in Him and to enjoy the benefits and blessings of working at home.

Worship vs. Singing

Tonight in the presence of evening service worship, i am blown away.
Awkward and self-conscious at the karaoke bar on Tuesdays with my husband -- i am amazed to find how here my arms lift up in helpless abandonment, how my voice soars with confidence and joy and how tears are just pour down my face.
i know this place, i know this Person. i weep with the nostalgic familiarity of an old friend and lover. i sing, no i don't sing -- i worship.
This is the only way i know to sing. To a Person. Not to an audience. Even my solos and performances in college, they were to Him.
It is out of adoration and love and gratitude, out of years of having tasted the Holy Spirit reaching out and loving me during my most desperate darkest moments.
36 and so composed, worship never fails to render me totally defenseless. i weep and weep because in His presence, i know who i really am. i know where i've been and where i've come from.
And through it all, this thought comes to me -- " This is my heritage" worship is in my blood. i come from youth services where the leaders pray for hours before going on stage, i have led worship during fellowships where God has poured his anointing down, i have been chilled, wooed, calmed, consoled, blown away by His presence. Why would i sing if i can worship ?
This is what i have been created for. This is my heritage.

Precious Moments

The kids gave me a lovely massage tonight. It was pretty special since this week, i had pretty much spent every night out between the birthday dinner with the girls on Monday, 2 nights of school and enoch and i's rendezvous last night.
It was pretty precious. They got it into their head that it was my birthday and they were trying to be sweet. For a massage connoisseur i was surprised to realize Aidan's got a pretty firm hand and Nally was trying to do the pressure point face massage she loves me giving her.
They used my favorite Ayurveda cream from Body Shop and they just loved how it made my skin shiny.
I tucked them into bed tonight, the first time all week and although i have a paper nagging at the back of my mind, and that i am so tired from growth group, i forced myself to be present for them.
Too precious moments to miss.

Working Up the San Francisco

Up in San Francisco for a freelance gig, and it's so beautiful up here. When i graduated from RISD over a decade ago, my dream was to work in the design capital of the West -- San Francisco. It was where all the award winning design companies were located. It was what i was training my whole life to do.
Turns out, i entered the corporate route. After Silicon Graphics, Apple, Oracle and Sun Microsystems i was too addicted to the beautiful gyms, the generous benefits and the flexible hours of corporate. i loved the stability, the structure, the huge hierarchies reminiscent of Singapore.
Today i walked into a young, hip startup. An office on top of a gorgeous building, with amazing art and Aeron chairs and snacks and drinks for free. i walk into competency, into youth, speed and beautiful competent design. It was just so right. So well done. So beautiful -- everything from the color of the carpet, to every painting on the wall, to every chair and every snack.
It was just so beautiful.
Maybe i am grown up enough to work in SF after all.
And oh by the way -- fun project.

My Birthday Gift

It's my birthday today and i am so struck by how this year, i am finally willing to let people in on it.
In years past, i had squirreled away this day to be on my own, bitter, resentful that the people i love haven't prepared anything special.
This year, in the spirit of differentiation, i had planned everything. i organized a dinner out with my girls on monday, lunch with my husband on wed, lunch with some school parents today and booked a bed and breakfast in Menlo Park for us to spend the night tonight.
It seems like such a pivotal point in my personal growth and in my marriage -- that if i want anything in life, i have to own it and go after it with a passion. i can't fantasize about it, wish for it to happen and blame my loved ones for it not happening. Nobody is going to come out and save me, and make all my wishes come true. i have to want things bad enough to go after it.
It seems such a momentous revelation to have upon turning 36. Years past even 35, i've felt every increasing year inconsequential and irrelevant. But this year, i can't decide if it's all the work i've been doing in therapy and school, but i really feel a huge shift moving towards my 40s. i am more confident, more open to community, less possessive about my inner space, more generous with my vulnerability, more open to new things.
Best of all, i feel like i am increasingly inclined to not give a "beep" about what the whole world thinks and to listen to myself.
It's been almost 10 years since God put in my heart the idea that i needed community, a decade since i embarked on my recovery journey. This is the first year, that i'm able to let community in on my birthday instead of envisioning it as a private, solitary space i "get to have" once a year.
So thank you Jesus, for a lovely 36th birthday. It's more than the gifts and attention that i've been getting with Facebook comments and lunches -- it's that i am finally present and secure enough to receive them with grace, and openness and gratitude.
That is Your gift to me.

Back to Real Life

Someone once told me, marriage isn't hard, life is hard.
A week of isolated, uninterrupted pre-marital fervor and i am feeling the tugs of real-life. I swear my clients have a copy of my graduate school schedule, because the minute school wraps up, they come knocking. i got my first gig from an agency this friday and i have to drive down to SF the day after enoch and i run away for the night at a B&B in Menlo Park for my birthday. Early check in late check out? More like late check in early check out.
Sigh.... such is the likes of life.
i look at couples now and i empathize, who has time to be romantic, passionate and amorous? It just so happen that enoch had a couple of consecutive days off for us to fight and make up in the middle of the night.
Today, i feel the weight of approaching school final papers, 2 new clients and the nuts and bolts of preparing for summer.
It's too hard to keep marriage alive and kicking. It's too easy to compartmentalize, and isolate that part of us or switch it completely off.
i am thankful for a week of us being in a completely different place. What a gift -- some couples never ever experience it. We didn't for too long.
Thank you Jesus, for reminding me that parts of us still exist.

Turning 36

For my birthday this year, God gave me a a single instance of intimate connection between my husband and i, and a glimpse of sexual intimacy the way He envisioned between two people who are on the same plane of existence.
However, brief, random and non-replicable, it set enoch and i on a good phase the likes of our courtship days.
This week we are like two puppies fighting and mating, and then fighting again. It goes completely against years of recovery and spiritual growth. It's thrown to the wind every psychological milestone i've spent a decade of therapy to attain.
i am emotional, distraught, uncomposed and clingy. i am not composed, differentiated, calm, collected and dignified that way i've prided myself in being for my girls on Monday nights.
enoch loves it.
i am praying for God to heal me.
i figured either i am pregnant, or this is what being 36 years old entails.
Either way, i told him it was non-sustainable and we should it enjoy while it lasts : )