After months of counsel from therapists, recovery groups and the latest psychology theory -- it's lovely to be home amidst the wisdom of the ages.
i told my mother, there is something lovely about being counseled in Chinese.
Something about my grandmother's " nia, nia ting ma ma de hua" ( Nia ( my pet name -- listen to grandma" and the sweet softness of my aunty's voice that now has a strength i had never sensed before -- that silences my rage and calms me. My mother thinks it's because i cannot "arg ( argue ) " in mandarin.
I spent the afternoon, pouring out little portions of my soul to my mother's sister, who is much more soft spoken than my mother, We often wondered at how similar she is to the rest of us --- i have been known to look more like her, yet how different she is. Since time in memorial, she is so much more gentle, "refined", submissive, traditional, "uncool"( to my sister in our teenage years ), and less articulate in English. She's always sprouted Chinese proverbs, making her words understated, so refined. Unlike the brash, straightforward confrontational stance that is signature of my mother and i.
But yesterday, as i listened carefully to her words, i realize this is not a woman who has experienced little. Her words resonate with the same anguish of being "shut out", not listened to, the same frustration of being married to a social, extroverted husband who spends hours out of the home, and is the youngest spiritual baby in the family. Hers is the prized son-in-law among my grandmother's children. Uncle LF knows how to "zho lang" be a good person, he is thoughtful with food and visits to my grandmother.
But words from all across the seas ring with the same familiarity as ones that God is whispering to my heart back home.
Hold steady.
You have to be strong.
You have to hold the fort.
The kids are most important.
Pray.
Pray so that your spirit man speaks to his spirit man.
You can do it.
You can do it. The latter one she says with confidence and strength.
Somehow, in the absence of the American feminism, the in-wielding vow to independence and personal rights, their exhortation resonates differently.
She is so much older than i. She has been angry, frustrated, anguished. i have so many years ahead of me, -- do i learn this lesson now and embrace it or continue to the fight for all women kind?
" Submit" she says, somehow, in Chinese, it slips under the radar of my feminist guard. It sounds much more acceptable and almost enticing.
"Submit to God, to your plight, to the will of God"
" Do the will of God, the righteousness of God in the situation"
i looked at her, and i know that that petite, frail, delicate frame has done her share of raging.
Do i want to give up fighting now or do what she's learnt to do, come to terms, live her own life, choose the "love that covers a multitude of sins " and find solace in God.
i sense the difference. She is less run down, less anxiety driven, less helpless, less frail.
i sense a new strength, a strong unwieldingness.
Somehow, on the other side of the world, it seems less shameful to surrender.
Recent Comments