Mindspace

Protective

I've always prided myself in being a "laid back" parent. I get it mostly from my parents, my father in particular who always believed in letting little children fall down and brush themselves off. When natalie was born, I was pretty determined not to be one of those really protective chinese parents that surrounded me in Singapore -- yet another chinese tradition i refuse to perpetuate in my family (along with not letting them feed themselves till they're 3, not letting them fall down, holding them to sleep and absolutely no crying to sleep! )
Natalie - still the typical first born compliant - has responded beautifully. Picking herself up when she falls, not looking for me to feign great pain. We actually have to watch for passing glimpses of slight irritation to notice that anything actually hurt her. ( not letting her have her way on the other hand lets out blood curdling screams akin to an incision without anasthesia. ) She's learnt quickly to duck our glass dining table top and to squeeze through corners without getting bumped. and i am err on the side of lax rather than overcautiousness in babyproofing our house.
Recently though, she's been more interactive with other children in pre-school. Ie. less parallel play and suddenly the world that has been safe with sharp corners and long ethernet cords is wildly dangerous with other children!
They are bumply, and invasive of personal space, they knock her over with doors of playhouses and swinging windows and i surprise myself with my own recoil.
This mom at school caught it just perfectly. "i figured they're going to get bumped by people in the real world, i have 3 and they are rough with each other, but they love it, and they love each other so who am i to stop them? "
My philosophy exactly with non-living things. How come it comes so hard for me with other kids?
Perhaps it's my own recoil, when they step into natalie's personal space, or my irritation when they grab her toys, and my anger if somebody not something hurts my child. A self inflicted wound is another thing.
i flinch from the whole communual thing, and gravitate towards isolation. sharing natalie? group play? what is wrong with being a loner?
yet another ISSUE parenting's surfaced.

Companionship

When i was in singapore, apparently many people reported that my husband was lonesome. It must have been pretty obvious since the guy's face is practically unreadable. It must have been pretty behavioral.
Now that i am home, i realized that i am the least lonely when enoch is not with me. With his presence in the house, i am reminded constantly, that he isn't present. He is not really there -- he is online.
It's tragic because in valiant efforts to "put my marriage first" i have trained our child to sleep at 7.30pm every nite, something she did since 2.5 months. Sometimes i regret doing that, because while other parents struggle to put their kid to bed together till 11pm. we just do our own thing till we fall asleep everynite.

Floor Time

Last nite in Parenting Class, we learnt this concept called "Floor Time" a style of interaction with your child that allows them to take the lead, encourages you to withhold intervention and treat the child with respect and honor.
It's a developmental concept that i have sensed for a while now but lacked the terminology to articulate.
i realized it's what sets my parents apart in their interaction with natalie and why i travel the miles.
Recently, since we just came home from Singapore, i sensed the difference even more. With my parents she is the most brilliant child in the world. They notice her every cognitive turning, each new articulation and every new thing she does every day. Her person is their delight. Right now, my father mutters in his sleep " my grandaughter is so smart". Even the maid there, watches her with wonder and delight. They are not upset that she does not walk and for 3 weeks, i forget that my child is on the 1% in the weight curve.
Here amidst the context of all her other classmates and neighbors, she is an introverted 15m old late walker. My mother-in-law asks me everytime she sees me " is she walking yet" and rattles on how Sally a family friend's daughter is so smart and all the things she does. ( ie that natalie doesn't )
i am less concerned about my child's IQ than the interaction she receives. It has got to affect her somehow, as it does me. Amazingly, Natalie flourishes in Singapore. She learns a new thing everyday, -- how to imitate using the blowdryers, open and closing doors, work the playground, imitate my dad's face .... all of which she refuses to repeat here.
i've decided that there are 2 categories of people in the world -- people who interact AT babies and people who interact WITH babies. Somehow the latter can figure out what makes them laugh, notices a new thing they do, sense the personality and enjoys childcare. The former is still using smile tricks from when she was 4 months old, brandishes her around like a child-trophy, and refuses to listen when she says no.
There was a reason why i feel alone.

First day in the nursery

Today-- for the first time:Natalie stays in the church nursery all the way through the sermon without crying. i feel like i want to dance around and broadcast to the world. We are making so much headway these few days, with her finally adjusting from her jetlag and getting her sleep schedule back.
Few things make me feel like a "good mom" -- good sleeper, good eater ( forget everything just eat the veggies ), independent player and non-clinger ( for my clinger anxieties check out the separation section of poetry).
i am sure that these markers of success stem from deep childhood neurosis -- like how i never ate my veggies, still want to sleep in my parents room ( at age 32), is a closet codependent and cannot play on a team.
Still, of all the sucesses, degrees and accomplishments i've gotten in my life, and i am slightly considered an overachiever -- these are my greatest credentials. Also the fact that my child can be coaxed out of throwing a tantrum if i start reading her favorite book.
To God be the glory!

After Special Victim's Unit

i used to be afraid of
loving you
fearing the day
you would leave
on your own accord
or be taken away
by pain
or grief
or evil
i swore i would never
attach to something
someone,
so fragile
so easily hurt
so easily taken
but now
i'm yours
for the long haul
whatever happens
whoever hurts you
we'll get through it
we will make it.
My love
His love
is stronger.
Greater is He that is in me,
than he that is in the world.

Hearing Life

Enoch is gone for the weekend to a Blog conference, and the house is strangely calming. Something about his presence even silent is whirring. i always feel we should be out doing something when he is around.
Without him, the house opens up and i can feel the space and natalie and i are finding our rhythms again.
She went down for good last nite at 8pm. Just like the good sleeper God gave me for 14months. Never one to take that for granted, it was like a holiday for me. Something about a sleeping child is part of my relaxation routine. Her solace gives me peace.
The "bad" thing is, she is up at 7am. Her usual schedule, none of the 8am sleep ins from the jet lag week.
But i am thrilled as i always am, taking the cue from my child. She is back and so am i.
This weekend is perfect just the two of us.

Nuts and Bolts

For those that are interested in the nuts and bolts, we are settling down. Natalie is still working through jet lag, crying till 9pm not 12am tonite. ( mostly withdrawals from sleeping in the same room and bed with me for 3 weeks ). i am finding my grounding via BSF, ( thank God for a wonderful group !), my figure drawing studio, Natalie's Preschool Playgroup and meeting my girlfriends again. A new dynamic has Enoch home more. i landed a freelance job during my trip to Singapore so i am out of the house working more. Enoch has fewer hours this month so he is with Natalie during the day more. Same setup as when i was working at Sun. i will be interested to see how that contributes to our marriage and my feeling that i am doing most of the childcare.
God is good. and i am thankful. Realize that my life here is where God wants me to be for now. Like it or not, it is my "cross" and thank God it is not a bad one at all.
Today as the neighbors kids play with Natalie, help me put her slide together and we celebrate her babysitter's bday, i am content.
the little joys.....
thank you God

Finding my own

Feel like i owe it to the few who peep in my blog to tell them that i am feeling better. Natalie still screams till 11pm every nite. ( 9 tonite ), but i am remembering why i am here.
It's funny but it all came back when i ran out for dinner with my girlfriend Diana. Sitting there catching up, i realized that i am my own person here, with my own history, own credentials, personal growth, journey. No one knows my parents, my childhood, my church. No one has seen me when i was 15 going out with a guy my mother hated. i am who i invent.
It's mindblowing. And perhaps, it's being Chinese, inately emotionally emeshed, genetically codependent, pre-disposedly dependent and clingy that i have to bear my cross of being married to a incorrigably non-codependable husband and to be in a culture and country that refuses to plot my path for me.
i have to find who i am here and be proud.

Settling in

So we're settling in. Not that Nally has given up waking up at 1am in the morning and crying determinedly for 2-3 hours. we found out that it's partially jet lag and partially because she had gotten used to sleeping in the same room as me ( which we did in singapore ). we've taken to putting her in our bed and then transferring her in the middle of the night.
A situation we've sworn we'd never get into. but all things seem to be below the belt in the middle of the night.
we had 2 days to ourselves and that ironically have been grounding. having enoch around this past week, has been disorienting ( as his presence tends to have an effect of ). He is inconsistently around, so it's always a treat which means i feel like we need to go out and play and which makes recovering from jet lag harder.
But we're settling in... and we're hanging out more with our community here with our marriage accountability group, and dinner with another parent couple.
so life is resembling familiarity.

Spending Money

4 years ago, when my husband told me after 7 years of medical training that he was going to give up medicine and join an internet startup i tried to articulate my rage by drawing up a contract. In the document, i started the unspoken understanding we had that in the 7 years that we would be together ( since i met him pre-med) that i would absorb most of the emotional, financial, domestic, social and spiritual responsibilities of running a relationship/household; and that since at the end of 7 years he has chosen yet another career where he would be indisposed to take up his share of these responsibilities -- i would abdicate them all. And that whatever duties he would not take up -- i would purchase.
i find myself going back to that contract lately. Since i've since realized that my husband's disinclination to responsibility is less tied to his career imposition and more a character trait.
If he "refuses" ( ie. won't do "in my time" ) put up a picture, unplug a kitchen sink, pack the garage, or garden, babysit our child -- i then take the liberty to purchase such services.
It is a liberty i have to practice doing without guilt. After all, we are on this "spend less money" streak. It seems that many women are cornered into this route with husbands that are less domestically inclined. They seem to do it without much of a blink of an eye.
I for one am still mourning the death of visions of us working together on chores, or being to depend on my husband for more manly assistance.
i guess i could learn to be more masculinely astute, but that is one part of my feminity that i am unwilling to give up.