Adrenaline High

It's been a stressful month of speaking engagements. In the months of October and November, i delivered:
- an online lecture on Rapid Prototyping for San Jose State University for an old Stanford classmate.
- a lecture on depression in complete Mandarin to a Chinese Church in Cuppertino
- a 3 week seminar on Parenting Teens for Calvary Church of Los Gatos
- a 13 week DivorceCare curriculum for kids for Bethel Church
- www. taniachoi.com launched on the date of the seminar

i can definitely feel the difference these additional responsibilities have on my system.
At first, it was this adrenaline high which a produced a giddiness lasted for 2 whole weeks.
i was keeping the old college hours of 9-12/1am again, incredibly productive in fast, addictive web-designer mode. i saw through the kids. i was counting the hours till the kids went down. Enoch came home to a wife completely glued to the screen like the old design school days.
This energy ran headlong into Halloween which translated into aspiring to make 50 cake pops with the obsessive perfectionism of the RISD days. i mixed up 3 shades of green for the face of the little green witch. i went to 2 stores looking for the perfectly sized candy that was suppose to be her eyes. When it was finally done, in true design school fashion, all of the pops tipped on the way to the car and IN the car, and when it finally reached the destination melted off the sticks. i was insanely stressed, despondent, self-deprecating, humiliated, frustrated and self-flaggelated.  It was both disastrous and drove cortisol levels to such crazy heights i was so disoriented, i got lost driving everywhere.
Now that the last of the seminars are over, i am crashing.i feel like a giant dead weight. i am sleeping at 8pm again and wanting to do nothing after i put the kids down. i drag myself through my charts and notes for my clients. i can barely stay awake before enoch gets home.
It's just amazing how i could have kept this up for 4.5 years going to school.
I could see how i could get hooked on this incredible energy. How productive it is, and how giddy adrenaline makes me feel. i notice myself looking for the next deadline like the next fix, it is all i need to give me my next high. Exactly like i tell my teen pothead who asked me point blank why i don't smoke marijuana  " Girl, if i found something that could reliably transport me from this world to another, i don't trust myself to put it down".
But right off the heels of the high of stress, i feel the crash, the descent, the exhaustion, the dead weight tiredness. i am what they call "strung out", probably the closest i'd get to a hangover.
I am reading an article this week for my consultation group called " The Manic Defense" which basically describes i think my husband's life to a T. But after the week i had, i could see why this lifestyle would be so enticing. It leaves such an impressive paper trail and the most heady sense of accomplishment.
It's thrilling to be wanted, to have such great reviews and to feel the rush of competency through your veins.
As i watch him go through his newest fad now -- Singing karaoke at Med-info conferences -- i could empathize with the feeling of " MORE MORE MORE!"

Comments

[Peggy]

The highs can only last so long and when we crash and get strung out, our lows seem even lower. What's the solution? Have less times of getting high or only be high for short periods of time? Are there such things as healthy highs?
My high is being swept off my feet by a guy. It makes me feel special and secure. Sometimes I get a high from work/productivity, but being a teacher it doesn't get as much recognition and brings less of a high. I think it's actually a healthy high because I have a sense of accomplishment that only somewhat affects my self-esteem, but I'm still very grounded in reality and the adrenaline rush is minimal.
Thanks for reflecting with us. I've been looking at this issue too.

[tania]

LOVED hearing from you. Remembering the time you were up here with me at San Damiano. i know without a doubt, i am an addict during this period. Or how easily, i would live here. i realize, i was one for 4.5 years being in school. Life is so much harder to live.
miss you dreadfully.

[Peggy]

Is life harder to live as an addict or to live in painful reality sober...? My million dollar question. I just wanna give you and Nally a * HUG * Hahaha... I'll see you Wednesday. Txt me when it's good for you. I won't be checking this post. Love you.