i often tell my clients that if we process the awful feelings in our lives, we actually make room for the positive feelings like joy, comfort and gratitude.
One of my newest clients who's had the hardest time over Christmas, reported hating coming into my office every week to cry. Yet, she said this Christmas, she's been laughing the hardest, the deep guttural kind of laugh that comes from inside, instead of the smiles she sticks on her face habitually.
Gratitude has been the one feeling i have been feeling more and more in my recovery. Initially, it's was more like an intravenous infusion of chemotherapy -- because it's good for me.
They say to keep a gratitude journal in 12-step. i started it as a child in the "Thanksgiving" portion of Quiet Time, and have kept it up through the years.
But these days i am catching myself in slivers of moments when i am flooded with gratitude.
The stretch of blue sky, when a parking spot opens up, the smell of my child's hair, the hug and grin from my son. It's almost like it knocks your breath out. And i am realizing, it's there all along, and these moments are only times i pause enough to access it.
Last night at 9pm, in the middle of thousand of lights, my little girl had one of those moments. She said "Mommy i am so grateful. i am so blessed that i have a mommy, i get to come here, i get to have diet coke, and cotton candy and garlic fries and go down the slides ".i could tell, she really got it. She tried to explain it to daddy and he of course attributed each blessing to the appropriate giver but -- i got it. She felt it too. This overwhelming sense of gratitude, of being blessed, of being given to. i loved that she felt it in the hustle and bustle of crowds of people.
And if there was one thing i could leave her with before i die, if there is one remnant of parenting -- it would be the gift of gratitude.
So thank you God for finding me amidst the pain and grief of New Year's Eve
For a beautiful New Year
For helping me forget moment to moment
the past and the future
and really only be open to today
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