New themes

I'm entering a new phase in my practice -- a new confidence and a new depth. They say our clients symbolize the work we need to do, they are our gifts of healing and wisdom. These day as i am finally wading through deeper work with my therapist, more and more of my clients are confronting their trauma head-on, more and more of them are moving towards object relations work.
It's such a growth edge for me, because these are the two areas that i am skittish about. When one of my clients asked to come twice a week, i bucked and squirmed about it for months. I still saw her, but parts of me struggled with stepping into a space of dependency, reliability and rawness that i knew this client was wanting to do. Twice a week is inevitably the work of attachment. We are officially in psychoanalytic, interpersonal work. And i have to be ok being mommy.
It brought up all the issues of mothering i had when i first had Nally. The fear of engulfment, the fear of her taking over my life, the fear of me losing myself in her. With this client, my fear of me not being there for her, my fear of having to be there for her.
It's so funny -- but after 9 years when the children are more independent now --- my work still confronts me.
But with the help of my supervisors and my therapist, i sat in it. i explored it. i showed up faithfully every week and opened myself to it. But today we are doing fine. Both of us. The client always but me as well. And i am noticing my own ease with dependency in my other relationships, in my marriage, in my practice. The culmination was watching myself offer another client biweekly support as she processed her trauma. It was amazing to feel clean about it.
The other theme that shows up with my work lately is trauma. And when a few of them broached it i could feel this knot in my stomach. i realized that i feel competent with emoting flooding clients but it is ones that are composed, high functioning and non-emoting that i struggle with.
With these, i have to take the lead and "step into the fire" and i find myself going " if you don't want to go there, and i don't want to go there, let's not go there! ". Like my supervisor said once, with these " i protect them from their work".
But more and more, we are moving towards it. I am blessed with a new individual supervisor in my life and she is game and confident in the space. As i move towards it afraid, i am also aware that i am moving towards my own dark, unknown spaces. The spaces that haunt me, the spaces i have glimpses of and i don't know.
The funny thing about trauma is that you don't want to know, yet you know. It's this awful confident blend of blur.
There are so many unexplained emotional realities that i feel that i have no reasons or explanations. And i ask myself what's the point of knowing?
The only way out of the trauma is through it.
As i see my therapist more, i realizing that i am stepping into my own fire. Afraid and determined.