Twice a week

It's official. i'm seeing my psychoanalytic therapist twice a week. i am officially in psychoanalysis. i am officially doing attachment work.
It's funny "coming out" with it. I've been seeing her for 7 months now. i think it had the same "denial" quality of going to an Al-anon group. Why am i here? Am i really that sick? i refused to be on the coach flat out. i refused to consider seeing her twice a week.
Seeing someone psychoanalytic was bad enough. It was the closest thing to going to see a psychic ( which i am almost more open to going ). In ten years of therapy,i had seen Humanistic, Rogerian, Solution focussed, Behavioral, Process therapist but the one psychoanalyst i had had me in a fetal position week after week knotted up with anxiety. i realize now she successfully triggered all my fears around a withholding parent. Her silence felt intolerable. Her blankness alienating. i couldn't stomach it. i opted for "warm fuzzes".
A decade later, i must have grown stronger because i can stomach the ambiguity of the space more. It's nothing like how i work. It's sparten and bare and sometimes clinical. It is minimalist and unconscious and stream of conscious. It brings up all my abandonment issues, and fear of silence and my need for contact and constant verbal repartee and reassurance -- all the things that torment me in my marriage.
I guess now i am willing to do the work.
Even before embarking. i feel myself such a different person since i started therapy. I have no more illusions that a therapist is suppose to be perfect, to hold me, to know exactly what to say. i don't expect her to be the be-all end-all.  i don't expect her to be my only resource. i have to say a decade of therapy has "grown me up". 
Yet ironically in psychoanalysis -- we "grow down", we get back in touch with the little girls parts of us, acknowledge the loss, grief and needs we didn't get met and learn to comfort, need and depend. All of which are not my greatest strengths.
So for the sake of my clients, because i am starting to have clients who see me twice a week; because all of my dependency triggers are going off like alarm clocks, i've decided to work on my attachment issues. 
I can see the fruits of it working. And just how after a decade of therapy, i am such a different client. i have less expectations of my therapist. i give her less credit for my success or failure. i move into the space with more trust, or more honesty about my mistrust. i own my own work more and how it's really about my stuff not hers. i can laugh about it. i can tell her that i don't want to work on it. There is just so much more honesty than the fantasy of the perfect caregiver.
If you had told me simply 6 months ago that i would finally see a therapist 2x a week. i would have cringed, told you you were crazy and that that therapist is trying to make a killing off you.
But i am really seeing the benefits of creating a conscious space for the very young, very raw parts of you. Especially for me, who has spent my whole life being super strong, super high functioning. 
Some of my colleagues who have done this work say " Do it, now is the time. Get it down and over with " and a part of me is thrilled at the finiteness of this period. i know that i have spent a decade of my life avoiding this space -- of dependency and need.
WIth my clients, i see the fruits just in weeks. This relaxedness, this settling, this drop in anxiety. It is the power of a secure base, of finally carving out a time for themselves. More than that, it is the acknowledgement of a part of themselves they denied their whole lives.
So yes, i am broken. i have problems attaching and needing and depending. It takes me a long time to trust you. i need you to be double consistent, doubly strong, double reassuring. In the light of that i'll still mistrust you anyway. But hopefully, in time i will learn to attach.