Every now and then i have a client who come in and say " I know therapy is working. i feel better. i don't know how, but i am doing better".
Month 7 of seeing a psychodynamic therapist, i have to say i see the fruits. It's so different from work i've done. It isn't results oriented, it isn't insight, it isn't a new way of thinking. All the latter, i get from reading books, my girls group, my 12-step group, Father Tom's CDs. It's a different this time. Both of us, is acutely aware that we're doing core-attachment work. It's interpersonal. It's all in the room.
I'm not saying i am attaching. But it's there that we see the parts of me that resist. The parts of me that are so used to deprivation and resilience. i spent probably 4 months going in every week telling her that i don't need her and that i could do it really well on my own. Even yesterday when i relayed all the changes in my life that is happening. A part of me resisted giving her the credit.
But off the record, i do see the changes. And i realized how deep and core those changes are. They show up in the weirdest ways considering we never talk about iti in session.
1.My threshold for social activity is rising.
A core part of my anxiety is settling. This weekend it was the craziest event laden -- a 4 hour fund raiser, the decorating party prior after a full day's work, a dinner party at our house after the fund raiser, a trampoline party on Sunday and a Bible Study later. A part of me would have just flipped over with anxiety prior. A part of me would have just snapped in rage over the demands, guilt over not being able to rise to the occasion and then, shame about why this is so hard for me.
There is a part of me when i am unrested and tired, want to curl up on a ball and recoil. Noises are too loud, lights are too bright. I regard in horror my husband's plan for the day and say NO. i feel persecuted, cornered, intruded on.
But i was able to take a deep breath and hang in there. I was able to breathe and figure out what i needed to get through it. i took a 3 hour nap on Saturday and a 1.5 hour on Sunday and went and exercised.
i am learning to less ashamed about my introversion and my needs and realize that no one is going to advocate for them but me. When i don't, life gets ugly, everyone suffers. Especially the children.
2. i am enjoying my Family Doctor
I've been in Palo Alto for a decade and have not seen my family doctor. Most of the time when things get bad, i rush in to see an urgent care doctor. But yesterday, my husband made an appointment for me to see my primary care for a physical. And it took me by surprised by how much the visit moved me. It was relaxed, intimate and casual. He told me i wasn't due for a pap-smear till next year, he would have filled it my prescription for oral contraceptives on the phone. He asked me about the kids. I talked to him about my anxiety. It was a really nurturing experience.
And i walked out going -- "Was he here the whole time?" He has been my doctor for 10 years and i never went to see him. Life has always been about urgency, and filling a prescription i thought i needed, not about connection and being taken care of.As i reflected on my need to change pediatricians 3 times, as i talked about my mistrust of physicians, i realized it paralleled the pattern of attachment i had with my therapists.
It's all there. The whole time :)
3. I'm breathing more
Taking deep breaths. Sitting in my skin and standing tall. The other day i caught myself as I gave the talk to the Preschool Coop my kids went to, and as i talked to a new client coming in for affair recovery. i realize, wow, i am doing so much better in places of not-knowing; of ambiguity, of uncertainty.
I am relaxing in my skin, and i am trusting in the Universe, i am finally letting my guard down and trusting.
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