Mindspace

Feeding herself

Of all the things my child does, ( ok apart from praying ) there are few things that thrill my heart than watching her eat. Against the grain of most Chinese parents who feed their kids till they're 3 years old, i was a big proponent of self-feeding from the start. So to the horror of my mother-in-law and to the oooos and ahhhs of everyone in Singapore, i always would put toddler size bits on her plate while i fed her her "real meal". It went from cheerios at first, to peas and fruit, avocado, tofu right out of the box, to pasta and now i just make a plate for her and put it in front of her and she decides what she eats.
It's definitely been a big struggle of letting go of control. You're talking to a mom that made her child's first foods from scratch and froze them in ice-cube trays. My child ate brussels sprouts and spinach at 6 months. i would chart out her menu in microsoft word and picked from all the major food groups each day. She ate only brown rice and tofu with veggies.
At about 9 months, natalie stopped letting me feed her, all except yo-baby, so the stress of meal time tripled as i watched her pick at her food with no option to spoon it into her mouth. then there was the "i don't want to sit in my high chair " phase, the "i don't want to wear my bib" phase and that was when i resorted to using the Baby Bjorn's as a portable bowl and letting her walk around and eat out of it.
So while other moms fed their kids demurely fancy things like porridge and soup, natalie ate only what she could hold and i fought with stains that won't go away, a high-chair covered inch-to-inch with food and the constant fear of her not eating enough.
But this morning, my child sat in her highchair, let me put the bib on her and ate a whole bowl of cereal with milk with a spoon. it must have been a 15 min breakfast and she persevered till each little cheerio was gone and even asked for seconds. i could have cried.
For lunch, she sat and spooned herself a whole bowl of coldslaw and ate the corn ( after being offered it for 6 months ) i scraped off the cob. She even tried to do it herself. Half of it i think she is eating because she is feeding herself.
The other day, she sat in Fresh Choice and ate a whole bowl of macaroni and cheese with a fork the length of her arm, while my mother in law complained that i didn't have child-sized cutlery with me at all times.
She is eating, she is feeding herself, she uses grown up cutlery and wipes her mouth with a napkin. All those battles of tipped over food bowls and food stained clothes and over.
It was worth it, losing the autonomy to give natalie hers.

Perfect Evening

Sad to think what makes me start blogging again.
The perfect nite: my child sitting in her booster seat, swaying to classical music, reaching for my hand in the middle of her meal with her head bowed reminding me that i've forgotten to say grace and her finally eating raisin bread something offered to her for 1 week now which she has politely rejected with a demure "no" each time.
i did give in and offered 6 food choices instead of the sworn 3 -- squash, mixed vegetables ( which she picked out all the peas ) bread, rice, beef boiled macaroni, kidney beans, chicken and grapes. ok 8 choices.
but it was worth seeing her feed the chicken to hosanna, eat most of the macaroni with 2nds, 1/2 slice of bread and all her peas.
i rewarded her with drinkable yogurt.
it's been a beautiful night.

Food Disorders

I have a theory that God is fair: you either have a good eater or a good sleeper. You can't have both.
And since Natalie slept through the night at 10 weeks and has persevered through 2 night waking phases and 1 jet lag adjustment, she is of course a terrible eater.
It started from birth with her swearing on my boobs, to long hours on the haberman and screaming from reflux with the Avent Evenflo Elite.
Now even with real food, granted when she eats she eats very well ( vegetarian her first year and tofu and spinach being her first food ) .... it's always an ordeal to eat.
That leaves me with all kinds of disfunctional relationships with food. The minute she eats anything i hoard that item for weeks only for her to decide the next day she hates it. i sneak carrot juice in her yogurt ( which she will actually drink straight up ) i slave over making creamed spinach... and then throw huge tantrums ( yes me ) over meals threatening to let her starve. while she stares at me bemused.
So life has degenerated in the Choi household, Natalie doesn't have to wear her bib ( she screams bloody murder and stops eating immediately ), she stands on her high chair, she walks around with food in her plastic bib ( which she would wear if she's walking ) and mommy is reduced to running after her with yogurt.
Granted its the only struggle i have with the child behavior wise i should be thankful.

hoarding

i have taken my place
among the mothers of history
in hoarding
for their offspring.
for when you like something
off my plate,
i stop eating
it is yours
all of it
always

ah mah's obsession

i finally understand
my grandmother's obsession
when she asks me
"have you eaten?"
how when
her meticulously crafted
fishballs
made from
market haggled, choicest fish
gets carelessly consumed
in a swift gulp
she is pleased
she is full
when i
have eaten

Eating

i finally understand
my mother's
a mother's
obsession
with feeding.
with watching our child's
casual ingestion
of painstakingly prepared
morsels
it fills
us up

eating before me

Something about watching
you eat
fills me
as if
its my tummy being filled
even though i am hungry
& feeding you first.
i take such great pride
& comfort
watching you consume
meal after meal
bowl after bowl
each day
i watch with
bated breath
worrying that you'll stop

dancing while you eat

when i dance around
to the beat of broadway
your eyes catch mine
across the highchair
you catch a glimpse
of my helpless abandon
and you smile
a mouthful of
tofu and avocado.
when i wave my arms
in a broadway move
you are proud of my daring
you are enthralled by my fredom
the parts of me
i file away in propriety
all day long
except from you

First feed

i sit up in bed
waiting for you to cry
and you sleep
i sit
ears and skin pricked
alert to your every breath
i sit up waiting
realizing the sleep
i complain
you deprive me of daily
is severely overated

finally latched

after 11 months
2x as long
3x heavier
you finally fit
in my arms
9 months of pumping later
you've finally latched
inseparable
howling
wailing
at anyone that tears us apart
now when you are
finally suppose to
let go.