Mindspace

Protected

Just finished a book called "My husband's Affair was the best thing that happened to me". It is this sickly sweet version of Pollyanna meets Sexaholic Anonymous. Since i now have hard core sex addiction/abuse textbooks for bedside reading, since our church has survived not one but 2 such casualites --  i was a tad skeptical and a wee bit cynical about embarking on such a read.
But granted, since i also have a startlingly low threshold for fiction, fantasy or fairy tales ( the kids and i are listening to Sonheim's Into the Woods which is this twisted version of the fairy tales )  -- i figured this would be an exercise in "willing suspension of disbelief". i.e. my yearly venture into fictional reading.  
Now you have to know i've been rehearsing said scenario in my head for years. Not that my husband has given me any cause to worry. He is unwaveringly faithful and chronically loyal and a blinding optimist when it comes to our marriage.
Yet something about growing up in a culture where history entails having multiple wives as a sign of wealth; of which's modern day version now translates into a mistress in each country, in a part of the world that deems infidelity as almost an asset to being a competent world leader -- i was almost raised to believe this the fundamental core deficiency in men.
As my dad said when Clinton got caught -- " I don't understand America, everywhere in the world it is understood that world leaders cheat, only Americans object ".
So i ran through the book as fast as i could without throwing up. I have to admit there were a couple of times i wanted to throw the book across the room. But when i finally got to the happily ever after chapter, when i forced myself to choke down this sickeningly sweet letter the cheating spouse wrote to his wife; after i highlighted all the instances of codependency, every feature of pursuer-distancer, after i diagnosed the exact brand of infidelity the couple had, and the process of reconciliation, and the blind spots and the probably DSM diagnosis each spouse had; after i wrote out a treatment plan about how i would do it differently both as a spouse, as the therapist of the author, as the friend of the author -- i heard God whispering to my hardened, jaded heart. 
" What if it didn't have to be so hard ? What if i could protect you from it all ? "
And the word was "protect".
i have to say that when this woman chose to respond the "godly way" and meet with the other woman and extend  compassion and forgiveness towards her, when she decided to make herself more attractive and seduce him back into her bed, those were the moments i had to bite down and clench my very sore jaws. 
Yet as i watch the husband respond with insight, with contrition and with repentance, i notice a part of me really protest that. i notice a part of me geared up for revenge, for his suffering, for him really experiencing the hell she went through.
i noticed myself wanting to tear up that sweet letter that he wrote apologizing for the hell he put her through and wanting to rip those pages out and say " NOTHING NOTHING YOU COULD EVER SAY WILL MAKE UP FOR THIS ! "
Um… a little countertransference : )
But as i drove myself to my Al-anon meeting this morning, i heard God whispering to me:
God:" What if i could protect you from that ?"
Me: " From what, the affair ? You didn't protect her! "
God; " Not the affair, but the hell she went through "
What if when i choose Him, i am choosing not just this Pollyanna blind faith that sticks it's hands or BIble verses in her ears and says " lalalala la Jesus loves me" but i am choosing me. My health, my serenity, my peace, my protection. And that it's not disassociation, or denial or what the psychoanalyst call "the manic defense".
What if it was the huge, meditative, extreme gesture of self care.
And that when i choose His way, i am not absolving the crime, the pain, the hurt, the inconsolable wrongness of infidelity -- i am just choosing to let Him protect me from the consequence, the hell that horrendous sin threatens to put me through.
"What you have meant for evil, God meant for my good".
This morning, God gently confronted me with this idea of protection. "I can do it" i tell Him, i am competent, i am strong, i am cut out for this.
I know, He says quietly. But i can protect you from it.
And i thought about all the serene places my Al-anon group describes exist amidst horrific places of pain their addicts put them through. I thought -- surely this must be the same place.
Protected. Not because i am incompetent and unable, but because i deserve to be protected. i can't prevent the sin, but He can protect me from the effects of the sin. He can shield me, and wage the war of justice and fairness, of healing and recovery.
And i can stand right in the middle of it all and be a sickeningly sweet Pollyanna.

New Years at Al Anon

Spent New Year's Eve at Al Anon. Was all set to go to a karaoke, kid-friendly party, then husband showed up 3 hours after he was suppose to and tried to convince me that he crossed county lines from Costco Monterey to Costco Santa Cruz in search of milk. After repeating what he told me back to him 3 times like a true therapist he finally confessed he went wine tasting.
I don't know what hurts me more -- that he so predictably lies about his whereabouts when he drinks or that he actually expects me to believe him. i call him up these days and instead of asking " Where are you " i ask " where did you stop ? " and he'll repeat his expected whereabouts -- work, an errand, dropping off stuff at the neighbors like " Don't you remember hon, we're homosapians, we live on earth " like i am the one that has amnesia not him.
A part of me is humiliated the whole time that he thinks i am so stupid, so gullible, that i don't get this sinking feeling each time he tells me he's going somewhere -- " Where else is he going? " The few times i am wrong, i am relieved and repentant. i attempt to convince myself that i dreamt this whole thing up to get attention.
The majority of the times i am right -- i fantasize of the day he can just straight up be honest with me. That way i can just deal with the grief instead of this incredulous rage. That way, one part of me can be proud of him.
But "i drove to Santa Cruz for milk."This one has got to top " Sake isn't wine, it's rice". One good days, i know that i am not dreaming. i don't have to take his blood alcohol level to know this is certifiable addict behavior of the purest kind. Even my sponsor who i suspect wonders if i just made this whole alcoholic thing up in my head -- said " Wow, i didn't realize he's gotten worse ". After 2 years in Alanon, i know better than to need others to believe me but  for a minute it was lovely to be finally validated. We're dealing with addict character of the purest kind here.
So i took a deep breath and went through the steps of what i always tell my clients -- what can you control. What do you need. How can you take care of yourself.
i had been reading Dry all day for some reason, and maybe God was preparing me because after finishing it i knew exactly what to do. I decided i wasn't going to the party, i was going to a meeting instead. i took deep breaths. Tried to check in. Did a litmus test for vindictive revengefulness which i am beginning to realize is my hugest character defect.
No, i wasn't rageful now, if i had to put on a smiley face and go to this party i would be at the end of the night.
So i waited until he came home,  told him i felt betrayed, told him that i didn't feel i could trust him. And left.
i haven't gone to Al-anon for 2 weeks now. i was so proud of myself that i was holding up. But yesterday, i realized, i needed to be there.
15 people in a room, reporting sorrowfully how Christmas is such an anxiety producing season, how their qualifier acted out, how their family was crazy. i needed to be there. In fact, if i had been there, i would have probably not been as reactive to my sister and mother this vacation.
But it was comforting to see how others were handling it. That i was in good company. That they were laughing. That it felt like family.
It was wonderful to talk to another guy with 2 kids who's wife is driving while drinking and confess my desire to control him by refusing to be the designated driver. There was both a sorrow and a peace about him, that i told him i really aspire to have.
But i left in such a good place. i came home humming. And i am guarding this serenity with my life. It's not bad, it's not good it just is. And for slivers of moments, i experience the incident shrink to being a speck on the wall. The last night of 2011. It's not about me. It's about his stuff, his issue. And the fact that i wasn't raging, i wasn't self-destructively cursing. That the last words my daughter said to me was " Mommy is smiling, that's not good".
It's progress. And it was a beautiful end to the growth of 2011.

It all Comes Together

i've been loving Al-Anon. Still basking in the afterglow of a beautiful weekend up at San Damiano. For the first time, i was able to leave from work, drive up there, be on time for dinner, not crazed, not reeling from crying children chasing cars. You would think after a decade of driving up there i would know the routine by now.
But it was exactly what i needed. It's the second time i am with Father Tom Weston up on my Holy Hill. He has got to be my favorite Al Anon speaker. His voice is in my ear all day long in the car.
But this time, i am so aware of how much i've changed since i attended one of his retreats 4 years ago. The first time, i felt so out of place, so awkward i could barely stay the retreat or sign up to talk to him. This past time, i finally spent 15 minutes with him, and it was as awkward as i imagined.This time i thought it was growth on my part that i was able to sit side by side, tell him about my amends letter to my in-laws, and recite a Rumi poem together.
i am twitching less. i am getting more comfortable in my own skin. i am reaping the fruits of recovery.
But this week, after a rough run-in with enoch, i sat there meditating on my 12 and 12. i sat there reading my first step and realized i had missed it all along.
" We admit we are powerless over the influence of alcohol ... "
and i crossed out the word " alcohol " and put in my husband's name. Anything about him, his responses to me, his spiritual life, his personal journey, his emotional life. Anything and everything -- you name it. i am powerless over it.I don't know why i didn't get it before. It was the Al-anon's bottom. The horrible realization of our own disease. We cannot control anything or anyone -- People, Places and Things.
"Our lives are unmanageable".
As i thumbed through journals upon journals of my analysis of my marriage and how my own issues and his own issues influenced our dynamic. i realized it was all a sophisticated and sneaky way of still attempting to control. If i changed this about me, he would do this. If i understood this concept about him, it would do this. At the end of the day, my own inventory was an attempt to control and change him and to change our marriage. i realized, even if was paid to do it for everyone of my clients. It's not my place to take my husband's inventory. It was what my supervisor called " just plain rude".
When it finally sank it, i felt palpable relief. That i could "turn my will and my life over to God". i could turn his too. In Al-anon, we say " They have their own higher power".
This week as i sat in my Monday meeting listening to this woman share about how she's been trying to get her husband to sleep earlier, i am tickled pink at how obviously crazy it was. How i've spent the last 2 years doing the same thing. She did it out of guilt, i did it enraged.
Like Hedy S said, the key to fulfillment is accepting what is. That entails, letting go of control, of my visions of how this moment should go, grieving, embracing, celebrating and standing in awe of what is.It all comes together.

Spring Break

It's been lovely spur of the moment weekend.
Enoch and i packed up our bags after church and went fishing. i had taken the kids to Natural Bridges just 2 days ago, but it was too windy. Yesterday we all packed up and went after church, and it was lovely.
For all the things my husband isn't -- he is a wonderful father. And watching him spend inordinate amount of time untangling fishing rods and detangling them about 20x after each attempt the kids made to fish just warmed my heart.
With him on the road trip, i am so much more relaxed. The kids love having him around and he has so much more patience and spontaneity and comfort with uncertainty than i do.We didn't catch any fish but spent some lovely hours on the lake in Felton, ate on the Santa Cruz wharf and went tide pooling the next day. The biggest hit was finding these tiny horseshoe crabs. Nally looooved them
.

My problem with godliness

In growth group this past Friday, we talked about winning God's approval. How we've already received God's acceptance but we are to spend our lifetime striving to win God's approval.  The way we do it is to be like Jesus. We discussed this week's past sermon, and how the preacher talked about how God truly approved Jesus not because of the miracles He performed or the sermons that He preached but that He submitted to the Christ and despised it's shame. He talked about how we were to do the same, striving to overcome sin and be more Christlike.
It took me 40 minutes into the discussion to come out and admit that i had a big problem with the word approval. i attributed it to the Asian baggage of having to achieve and how it was a big trigger for me. Then i took a deep breath and came out and admitted that i had a big problem with the word "godly"  as well.
i told the group that i saw my Christian walk as one gigantic big relationship with God/ Jesus. Salvation is a gift for the "other side" but frankly His relationship with me is all i care about in this one. i follow His ways because honestly, through the years, after banging my head on a lot of other solutions, i've found His to work the best. He has what i call the Original Design.  He knows how life, my psyche and my personality works best. Being hooked up to the Creator has proven useful.
The rest of the words like "godliness", "christlikeness" have often evaded me. i think that's when we start reducing Christianity to all the other religions. We don't offer yet another method to produce "good people". We offer a relationship with an amazing One.
i see obedience as simply refraining from doing something i know will hurt Someone i love. i view all the rituals of reading the Bible, and quiet time as all the natural investments you would make in an important relationship. Not spending quality time with someone doesn't make you a bad friend, it just makes you a distant friend.
Walking in faith, means trusting in the character of that Person, when we haven't talked for a while, or when He hasn't said anything, or we don't understand what He's doing. It's saying " i don't know what or why God's doing what He's doing right now. But i know Him. i know this Person. We have a history. And i know He's good. I know He loves me."
i think in all the new testament and the old as i am studying it, the biggest gift God gives us are not sons in our barren age, Promised Lands or a new Temple -- it's Jesus. A chance to know Him. A way to envision God. A chance to have a relationship with God in a way that we can envision.
What Christ died on the cross for, was to give us eternal life, ie an eternal relationship.
Going back to the sermon, Jesus wasn't affirmed for the miracles he did or the works he did on earth, God was pleased with Him because he endured the hugest agony of all -- a suspended break in a relationship with His Father,  those moments He hung on the cross.
He remains an example to us, of such close intimate relationship with His father, that it was able to withstand such a heartbreaking moment when God had to abandon Him on the cross. He survived the silence.
Goodness, godliness, the fulfillment of the 10 commandments, they are all by-products of walking with Him. It is an inevitable outcome, we become like the people are with most. We look like the people we love.
i think when we focus on the works, the rituals, the deeds, the doing, the godliness, the things to do -- we become less enticing to the world.
That quality is what attracts the world to Christ. Works are what attracts the world to us.
i love how my BSF leader ended her last lecture.
The Messianic lineage is not made up of godly men, but it ends with godliness.
That is why i believe what i do, or rather Who i do.

God's Mouthpieces III

God spoke to enoch about his parenting again this past growth group.
i am beginning to to count on His voice like rain.
A divorcee was testifying how God can work miracles. Her ex-husband and her never agreed on parenting issues while married. But now that they are finalizing their divorce, he is finally conceding  that he needs to be a more authoritative parent and has agreed to back her up more. She recounted it with wide eyed disbelief like God just made water come out of a rock. Enoch grumbled later about how God is nagging him about his parenting style.
i couldn't get over the fact that now He is using ex-husbands to do the job.

Our deepest fears

Enoch and i had one of those insane conversations last night.
On the surface  it seemed like some mundane, inane logistical scenario that given the 6 degrees we have between us, shouldn't be rocket science to figure out.
But below in the underworld of triggers, family of origin issues, a decade worth of marital history, it was impossible to untangle, it could only unravel and through the whole thing this voice in my head kept looking at the script and going -- what is so hard about it ? how is it so hard?
But on a brighter note, one the best gems we got out of a 2 hour session with our therapist, the last time world war II was mediated was this: figure out what is the real issue and knowing it, preface... preface .... preface in the future.
Looking back at yesterday's conversation, and processing it briefly while waiting for Nally to come out from school, i realized that we were both operating from the premise of our worst fears.
Enoch's biggest fear is being controlled and shamed
My biggest fear is being abandoned and emotionally manipulated ( ie control )
One day i dream of having a real conversation, in real time, completely present, not in the past, relishing the fact that at the end of the day we both actually agree on something.
But until then, we'll have to say a lifetime of "i am not trying to control/shame you...." and trust the other person is going to have to take our word for it.

Shame

One of the things that really struck me while i was up at San Damiano was the how easily it was to communicate shame to children.
Listening to heart breaking story after story of these adults of dysfunctional families, i was really struck by how a lot of the time the families don't have to be outrightly abusive ( although abuse would definitely do it ). How the absence of affirmation devastates just as much as the presence of abuse. How so many of them absorbed shame just from not being heard, or neglected or validated. A lot of the same people were well clothed and fed and provided for.
So i asked the presenter what i could do avoid doing the same to my children. What he said made so much sense. He said the best thing we can do as parents is to get well and healthy ourselves. Because we can't withhold the shame we haven't reconciled. Because children sense shame. They can smell it a mile away even we say nothing. What we are ashamed of ourselves we will inevitably shame them too.
That's motivation for recovery for you if there ever is one.

Patterns of Escalation

Just came out of my therapist's office outlining a dynamic that reoccurs with Enoch and i. As a researcher, it's always exciting to see patterns; to see an order or a design in the apparent muddy whirl of data.
I'm sure there is many other patterns that we re-enact but today we talked about the dynamics that happen that typically lead to escalation.

It's grievous to observe but almost relieving because now we can see it as a pattern instead of something that is integrally wrong with us. Hopefully, as we get healthier, we can step back from it, and disengage at any step and break the pattern.
Anyway here are the two came to me from the recent conflicts we've had.

Rationalizations for hitting

So i am in the throes of trying to communicate to my little girl that she can't hit her brother no matter what.
" But he's not my friend"
" He might not be your friend but you can't hit him" ( deciding that the "who is your friend" argument is too much to handle today )
" But he's a boy and i'm a girl"
" He is a boy but you still can't hit him" ( we'll get to that one another day )
" Boys are outside and girls are inside"
" yah, they can be outside but you still can't hit him"

Why is it i feel like i've had this conversation before but with my husband?