Mindspace

Nallys' first day of school

One of those perfect days i savor still holding my breath at it's close. Nally's first day of school at Crescent Park -- the one day i've been dreading all these months, guilt-ridden for changing schools on her for the 3rd time, nervous about withdrawing from Montesorri and putting her in a play-based school, lame from caving into a screaming hysterical son that made my 20 min trip driving nally there and back unbearably excruciating hence choosing a school 0.9 miles away.
She did wonderful. i put my whole day on hold, preparing for the worst. She's been sick, extra regressed and clingy, never did separate without tears at Montesorri, has just spent the last 2 weeks without any BSF, or PSF or even the church nursery as an excuse to separate. i cancelled all errands, breathe a sigh of relief from not having to go to work and waited.
But she did marvelous. Sensed it within the first 30 mins i was there. She was engaged, and intrigued with the hamsters and the cotton wool polar bear table, with the balls and the books and the climb-up house in the corner. If there was one thing that would distract my child from emotional distress is intellectual stimulation ( not even being carried all day ). Remnants of mommy.
So i tell the teacher i will come back at lunch and stay to tuck her into nap. And so i journal at Starbucks and shop for groceries, wake baby boy, nurse baby boy, get gas, meticulously strap him in, get him out, was on my way into the school when the teacher stopped me at gate and said 'Don't come in -- she's doing great ! we called your cell and your husband at the office to tell you -- don't come in! "
Apparently, she did so great, warmed up to all the teachers, was what they called a "lover" was independent, "gobbled up her lunch".
i was in tears with joy. Reminded me of the day when i dropped her off her first playschool Holly Oak and i picked up the permit for the remodel on the same day. i was more thrilled at how well my daughter adjusted to school than the fact that i just gotten a Palo Alto permit over the counter within an hour. Nally's adjustment was a greater gift from God.
i couldn't be more proud. Especially since this same director had cautioned me about my child having attachment problems with me switching schools on her so much. i wanted to say -- look she's great, she's doing well, she's independent and curious and exploratory, she's stimulating and interested. All my prayers for her at Starbucks are answered. i suddenly remember the scriptures i prayed that my children would be the "head and not the tail", and i hugged God for giving her favor from man.
i knew nally had great day when she came home in high spirits, babbling non stop. While she always clung to me at Montessorri, she took my hand and wanted to show me around the school and tell me about her day.
i swore she said " Watch out please" to me when i bumped into something today. i am thrilled to bits. thank you jesus, thank you thank you jesus.
and baby boy only cried once today in the car.

Nallys' first day of school

One of those perfect days i savor still holding my breath at it's close. Nally's first day of school at Crescent Park -- the one day i've been dreading all these months, guilt-ridden for changing schools on her for the 3rd time, nervous about withdrawing from Montesorri and putting her in a play-based school, lame from caving into a screaming hysterical son that made my 20 min trip driving nally there and back unbearably excruciating hence choosing a school 0.9 miles away.
She did wonderful. i put my whole day on hold, preparing for the worst. She's been sick, extra regressed and clingy, never did separate without tears at Montesorri, has just spent the last 2 weeks without any BSF, or PSF or even the church nursery as an excuse to separate. i cancelled all errands, breathe a sigh of relief from not having to go to work and waited.
But she did marvelous. Sensed it within the first 30 mins i was there. She was engaged, and intrigued with the hamsters and the cotton wool polar bear table, with the balls and the books and the climb-up house in the corner. If there was one thing that would distract my child from emotional distress is intellectual stimulation ( not even being carried all day ). Remnants of mommy.
So i tell the teacher i will come back at lunch and stay to tuck her into nap. And so i journal at Starbucks and shop for groceries, wake baby boy, nurse baby boy, get gas, meticulously strap him in, get him out, was on my way into the school when the teacher stopped me at gate and said 'Don't come in -- she's doing great ! we called your cell and your husband at the office to tell you -- don't come in! "
Apparently, she did so great, warmed up to all the teachers, was what they called a "lover" was independent, "gobbled up her lunch".
i was in tears with joy. Reminded me of the day when i dropped her off her first playschool Holly Oak and i picked up the permit for the remodel on the same day. i was more thrilled at how well my daughter adjusted to school.
i couldn't be more proud. Especially since this same director had cautioned me about my child having attachment problems with me switching schools on her so much. i wanted to say -- look she's great, she's doing well, she's independent and curious and exploratory, she's stimulating and interested. All my prayers for her at Starbucks are answered. i suddenly remember the scriptures i prayed that my children would be the "head and not the tail", and i hugged God for giving her favor from man.
i knew nally had great day when she came home in high spirits, babbling non stop. While she always clung to me at Montessorri, she took my hand and wanted to show me around the school and tell me about her day.
i swore she said " Watch out please" to me when i bumped into something today. i am thrilled to bits. thank you jesus, thank you thank you jesus.
and baby boy only cried once today in the car.

Last night with Nally

My parents are out with the in-laws so i have the night to myself with my first born.We have been so busy these days with my parents in town, and she so stimulated with their company that her playroom has actually been pretty clean and tidy. The water table is untouched and she hasn't asked to go in the wading pool.
But i am so aware today is the last night i get to cuddle in with her in bed reading her bedtime stories and feeling all of motherhood worthwhile because she is always extra cute at bedtime.
Amidst all the affections for Mah Mah and Gong Gong ( a fondness that transcends the time and distance between them ), she definitely shows a hierarchy of loved ones. It's me before them, and then if daddy is not working today allllllll daddy. It's funny because she refuses to be put down and even distracted by my father when Enoch is around. i see it as a tangible way of telling him that he is irreplaceable in our home and a heavenly way of nagging him to spend time with his family more. ( could a little girl's call be any cuter? )
Enoch and i had made a pact earlier that he would take the no-brainer -- the infant and me Nally with all her complex demands, looking at things, it might be Nally with daddy.
But she is still ever amazing.
Tonight i showed her my ow-ie, a little band-aid from my day of pre-op tests at Stanford. She took it carefully off, kissed it and mumbled a prayer and said "AMEN!" i couldn't believe it! it was so cute! she prayed --- my child's first prayer, however intelligible! All those prayers prayed on her owies paid off.
Today she drew back my shirt, kissed the baby and stuck a sticker on my tummy in an attempt to share. i wonder if she'll miss the baby inside of me.
i look at her and wonder how she could ever stop being my firstborn, my first love and be all grown up in just one night just because there is someone smaller around.
Enoch's off to serenading his son already and i am mourning all the changes and losses. i remember holding natalie in my arms, apologizing for loving hosanna more, consistent with my "slow to warm up" tendencies which i have bequeath on my baby girl, it'll be a while before i warm up to the idea that i have a son. i am sure i will love him, but tonight it's all Nally's.

Mornings

Natalie and i had a wonderful morning today. Mornings and evenings in bed just seem to epitomize to me the essence of mothering.
Perhaps, it's the sacredness of my master bed that my parents left me, we always piled on into my parent's bed right before bedtime or in the morning. Although never co-sleepers, we got to camp "next to" it when we were sick, or outside the door during our most rebellious days. But it was the site of honest talks, fun and laughter, good news, bad news, speech and poetry recitations. When enoch first met my parents, the fact that he "joined in the pile" was a huge sign to me that he was formally part of the family.
Enoch managed to leave the house without waking the baby up today. It's always tough because on the days he's home, she always sleeps in till 8am and the days he leaves for his 7am days, he manages to wake her up at 6.30am and it makes it a LOOONG day for me starting 1.5 hours earlier. Our new house with wooden floors resounds and we've done 2 months without a need for a monitor and me waking up with her every squeak. it's just going to be just "lovely" with the new one.
Anyway, he did it this morning -- leave quietly, and nally slept in till 8am after a full day of 5 playmates yesterday from 2pm to 8pm. When she woke up she didn't even protest that daddy was gone.
She climbed onto my chest, managed to avoid giving me a contraction and just stayed there for like 10 minutes with her arms tight around my neck. My reserved, non-gratuitously affectionate child -- i was so touched, and wondered for the hundredth time if she knew how precious these next couple of weeks are -- just her and me. We sat in bed, cuddled side by side, cutting her nails and her kissing the baby, while i peeked into a devotional.
It 'was just perfect ... if all mornings could be like this.

Toilet Training Update

In my most self-piteous moments, i always say that if we didn't have to remodel, our child would have been potty trained by now.
Natalie has been ready for the last 2 months but since i am so overwhelmed with supervising the remodel, i had conveniently chalked it up to "no pushing".
Her readiness though actually added to the stress a little. There were those couple of trips i took her to Home Depot and Design Center that she took her diapers off because she poo-ed and me, not used to carrying a diaper wherever i go anymore, had to grab the child and run her out of the center with a poo-covered butt. She did that at Gymboree too. And when she did that in the sand at the playground, took off her shoes, refused to walk with her butt covered with poop, that was when i developed this fear of taking her out alone. These last months have seen it harder and harder to carry her. And i had to drag her by the arm to the nearest bathroom as she dangled from me poop and all. i was in tears.
But these days, finally calm from the move-in, she has been pee-ing successfully on the potty. At first, when we first got here, she refused to have anything to do with it; yet another repercussion chalked up to the move i thought. But recently this past week, she actually pees a couple of times in the potty. i had decided not to take it too regimented. i just put her on it whenever i go on it, which is ridiculously often these days since my son has taken to jumping on my kidneys.
She sits on it, peering into her vagina and i am half amused and embarrassed. i've heard of anal retentive but not vagina- retentive.
And the other day, we sat there for a while and nothing came. And i reassured her that it's ok if nothing happened. And then she walked away and then she looked constipated and then i asked her if she wants to poop and she got on again and we both looked at each other.
And i realized that i really don't really look at someone while they're pooping often and it's kinda awkward and when she got up -- it was her first poop.
She was delirious -- as was i.

Natalie and the new House

One of the things i worried most about moving over to the new house was Natalie's response to it. i've heard many a horror story about a toddler reacting poorly to a new environment and rightly so since it is so close to the arrival of her new brother.
But perhaps it's because we took her to it so much during the pre-sale and the remodel, ( despite the dust and junk ), perhaps it's because she LOOOVED her little house the previous owner built for his daughter -- she's taken beautifully to it.
Slept in it the first day, napped beautifully in the day and at night. With all the transitions that week, i could have wept with gratitude. Despite me raising her within hard and fast routines ( her sleep schedule and she still listens to her heartbeat music from birth ) she must have her father's flexibility because it is definitely not from me.
But Natalie takes to her new home like a fish in water. i heard about one of her classmates who howled when the family bought a new TV insisting on the old one.
But the child seems to find her way. i tried to stage the room as similar to her old one. i showed her where her hairclips are kept and her vitamins and her elmo pull-ups and she is quick to go there and get them when i need her to. She climbs into our bed the same way at the old place, insisting that bedtime stories be read from there instead of bedside.
She even loves the new bathtub with the little seat, and the pool like corner shape and the glass walls.
But the thing she loves the most is the yard. And it thrills my heart to see her -- out for hours on end, wandering through the garden and playing at the fountain and the water table. i had boasted about children not needing that much space, since i grew up an apartment baby in squishy singapore, but i guess, hearing her run which i never did at the condo -- just thrills my heart.

Toilet Training Mommy

Since natalie has taken off a poo-filled diaper in her crib twice now, smeared her sheets and wetted her bed this morning ( with just a merely wet diaper that she removed ) -- i've officially declared toilet training begun.
it's funny to imagine, that it is me that is not ready somehow. i think we're going with our next door neighbor's method which is run around the house naked since it's summer, we have hardwood floors and we're selling the house anyway. i think i have a huge problem with hosanna's excrement and hence natalie's.
But it's funny that she is ready and i am not.

Moo Moo

When natalie was younger, we were worried about why she didn't seem to have a lovey. We figured it might help her with her separation anxiety that is only just waning now. So one trip to Singapore, i brought a praying cow and had it with us the whole journey on the plane and back, and lo and behold, we had Moo Moo.
It definitely was a sleep aid because she only asked for it at night. But recently, Moo Moo's taken a life of it's own. It happened when i brought it actually Moo Moo II, ( the unstinky, unfingered, clean one ) to Holly Oaks. And while she's always complained and discriminated between Moo Moo I and II ( i can't really wash the former because it prays ) she's suddenly taken to the new Moo Moo. Or rather any one. She took it to Costco the other day and for the first time, i could shop in peace, while she sat with the cow in the cart trying to put sunglasses on it.
And when we got in the car, she tried to put the doll in the car seat.
This morning, when she pooed i put a diaper on Moo Moo and she is completely enthralled. She hasn't put the doll down since.
It coincides with her latest awareness of other kids. She's been more interested in other children and bonding with older little girls that tend to take her under their wing. i totally realizes when someone is FOR her now, holds their hand and blows them kisses good bye.
Now she is reading to Moo Moo.
Time for a baby brother.

Toilet Training

So much for toilet training. Since we've decided to postpone toilet training at the advice of our PSF teacher in light of natalie's non-verbal and our crazy schedule these months -- she's taken to telling us each time she poos.
She must have heard me asking the teacher " wouldn't it be more convenient for us to teach her how to change her own diaper? " because now, whenever she poos, we are presented with the dirty diaper, prize enclosed with a proud smile and a much needed-to-be-wiped butt running all around the house. This morning was one of those, when i open my eyes and there she is "poo here" she says and runs to the trash can to put it in.
so i have to somehow make the connection between excrement and the potty now, and i guess i can't put it off any longer.

Ow-ies

We've been working on ow-ies. Especially since it's summer and the child's in shorts alot and she falls and scraps her knee. As when she was little, she never makes too big of a fuss about it except now, it takes enoch and i by surprise when she says "ow!"So she's got 2 scraps on her knees already and a huge gash on her face.
And of course, i am horrified, since the child never even had a hint of baby acne. But the cutest thing is when she looked in the mirror and pointed to her little face scratch.
Today, we were talking about David and Goliath out of a new Lift the Flap Bible book i got her, and i told her how Goliath got an owie. And she stroked the picture of the fallen giant and patted him sympathetically. She lifted up her pants to show me her healing scrap from last week. i've been taking to putting my hand on the ow-ie and praying on it each time something happens and so today, we bowed our heads and prayed for Goliath.
It's physical owies now and i want to get into habit of talking about them, because soon there will be heart-owies and hurt feelings. ( Especially since she is a girl) i felt a little pang of it today when Anson wouldn't hold her hand, and she scrunch up her little face in disappointment.
But i pray she'll always be able to come to me and talk about her ow-ies and we can take them to Jesus together.