Mindspace

Disneyland

Day One
i am at Disneyland after a week of dread and pre-anxiety, i am thrilled to report it isn't as bad as i imagined.
Well first, it turns out i am only going for 1 out of the 3 days instead of 2 days. i get to stay in, in a little hotel on the strip with a presentable room. i get to walk to Downtown Disney on my time, blog, journal, finish my website.
Enoch bought me a watch, which is his sweet gesture of appreciation i know for me being here.
i tried to drive part of the way, which i am proud of. After whining, dreading, agonizing about this trip for the last week, i came finally determined to be in the present and be open to what could.
i realize like my daughter, i dread new experiences, unpredictability, the lack of safe havens, comfort objects, routine and structure. It takes forever to " get used to " things/ people. My favorite response to any invitation my husband proposes is " NO! ".
Like Nally, i am learning to protest new experiences, grieve and let it go. Find a bit of this vacation that i can enjoy, make meaningful for me.

Day Two

Day 2 at Disneyland. It's the day i promised to join them. It actually wasn't a bad day. If i didn't walk around imagining that somehow i am suppose to be at the Happiest Place in the world. If i wasn't choking on how much it cost to be there. If i wasn't dealing with the guilt of all the rest of the world who didn't get to come and my children have come half a dozen times in 3 years. i do ok.
The heat was bearable and i took many food breaks. i think if Disney took more time to incorporate decent food at their stands, they might actually get more older people.

Day Three

Day 3 at Disneyland and after walking the kids out at 10.15pm to watch The Color of Water the night before, after watching the kids all night while husband stayed out till after 12pm -- i suddenly felt entitled to enjoy the day in to myself. Day One was kinda short-circuited because Baby Boy wanted to hang out with me in the afternoon. Having him in a hotel room is like bottling a little jumping bean. Finally yesterday we quarantined him in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes before he stopped babbling incessantly to himself. He wakes up at 6am every morning and runs around, drawing in his sketchbook, bumping us awake. All this while doing full park days.
So this morning, i let the kids go out to breakfast with him. i slept in, watched a heart breaking movie " Nobody's Child", went and fixed my broken nail. Then i wandered down Downtown Disney for lunch, browsed at Sephora, bought eye shadow and had a lovely salad at a New Orleans restaurant. It was lovely to be fussed over -- by the Vietnamese manicurist, by the Sephora salesperson and by two of the cutest waiters brimming with Disneyland friendliness.
Nally asked me what i enjoy the other day and i almost choked having to admit to my recent attacks of anhedonia.
This morning, having the morning to myself, permission because of my husband's night out, a broken nail, a late night excursion putting a sleeping son in a stroller and walking out to watch the color show in a triumphant attempt to be a good sport -- i know what i enjoy. A hard earned day to myself.
It was lovely and i spent the afternoon, blogging while watching In Treatment in the background. Waiting with bated breath until the kids get home -- got to get a Dailey Method DVD workout before then.

More Resilient

i've been taking a new stance with Nally when it comes to her learning.
In Chinese, there is a saying " She does not eat soft, she eats hard "
And i feel like i've spent the last 8 years of Nally's life ensuring that she didn't have mine. i was traumatized by teachers my whole life -- ones that made me stand on chairs, threw books out of the room, etc. i was terrified baby girl would experience the same.
So i interrogated all her teachers, tutors -- whether school, piano, taewondo -- ensuring that it all be child centered, emphatic, wildly entertaining. i make sure we are at Peninsula School after what seemed like a stressful year of school.
But these days, i'm beginning to think she is finally ready for hard ball.
So i attempted a Tiger Mom routine with the times tables. These are something we've been working on since 3 years old -- singing, skip counting. The teacher summed it all up " i have confidence that when Nally decides to learn it, she can do it. She just has to decide to" Her school teacher's comments were " Nally does not persist in frustration and relinquishes tasks when frustrated.
So i decided we are going to embark on what my trade calls " Systematic Desensitization" to failure anxiety. i am going to hold her to the task of learning while she tries to wiggle away.
And oh she wiggles -- when i was trying to get her to learning her 7 times tables, it was like war torture. We dropped pens, we asked for water, we wanted to go to the bathroom, we argued about how scary i was, she cried, sobbed, wrecked herself silly with tears -- while i just gently held her " When you're done crying -- count the numbers on the screen".
Aidan was beside himself. He paced around her. Got her water, picked up all her pencils, finally yelled " I can't do it" and ran to his room and cried.
Then " click" something happened. She suddenly said " show me again how to do the 9 x table trick ? " she said in this sweet voice -- this strategy she had fought off incorporating for the past 2 years, brushed it away, said it didn't work.
i am learning that this is a child that will turn down everything new the first 3 times. Reject. Reject . Reject.
In 5 minutes -- she knew her nines.
As i coached her through her 7 times table in the car on the way to Disneyland -- through all the reports of her brain hurting, how it's such a long car trip, how it's so unfair.
She got it; and i am learning -- just as she whines all night about how her braces hurt and i battle my own fears of her never eating again -- she is more resilient than she lets on.

More Resilient

i've been taking a new stance with Nally when it comes to her learning.
In Chinese, there is a saying " She does not eat soft, she eats hard "
And i feel like i've spent the last 8 years of Nally's life ensuring that she didn't have mine. i was traumatized by teachers my whole life -- ones that made me stand on chairs, threw books out of the room, etc. i was terrified baby girl would experience the same.
So i interrogated all her teachers, tutors -- whether school, piano, taewondo -- ensuring that it all be child centered, emphatic, wildly entertaining. i make sure we are at Peninsula School after what seemed like a stressful year of school.
But these days, i'm beginning to think she is finally ready for hard ball.
So i attempted a Tiger Mom routine with the times tables. These are something we've been working on since 3 years old -- singing, skip counting. The teacher summed it all up " i have confidence that when Nally decides to learn it, she can do it. She just has to decide to" Her school teacher's comments were " Nally does not persist in frustration and relinquishes tasks when frustrated".
So i decided we are going to embark on what my trade calls " Systematic Desensitization" to failure anxiety. i am going to hold her to the task of learning while she tries to wiggle away.
And oh she wiggles -- when i was trying to get her to learning her 7 times tables, it was like war torture. We dropped pens, we asked for water, we wanted to go to the bathroom, we argued about how scary i was, she cried, sobbed, wrecked herself silly with tears -- while i just gently held her " When you're done crying -- count the apples on the screen".
Aidan was beside himself. He paced around her. Got her water, picked up all her pencils, finally yelled " I can't do it" and ran to his room and cried.
Then " click" something happened. She suddenly said " Show me again how to do the 9 x table trick ? " she said in this sweet voice -- this strategy she had fought off incorporating for the past 2 years, brushed it away, said it didn't work. It was like it was night and day and the child had a personality change!

In 5 minutes -- she knew her nines.

i am learning that with Nally it's going to be resistance for the first 3 offers; to not take her "nos" so seriously, to persist when she fights me and to keep hold steady lovingly. She has her mother's aversion to new experiences and her father's propensity for the easy way out. Between that, i've got to do what my mother calls " hold very steady".
As i coached her through her 7 times table in the car on the way to Disneyland -- through all the reports of her brain hurting, how it's such a long car trip, how it's so unfair.
She got it; and i am learning -- just as she whines all night about how her braces hurt and i battle my own fears of her never eating again -- she is more resilient than she lets on.
Or rather i am.

TouchMath

Funny the things i get a kick out of: stumbled on a new method for teaching Math: TouchMath.
It's tactile, multi-sensory and works with kids with learning disability and autism.
i love the manipulative quality of it.
Here is how it works.

拔萝卜奶奶 (Carrot Milk)

Aidan's taken a liking to carrot-juice.
The cutest thing is that he calls it "拔萝卜奶奶" which is literally translates into "pull the carrot-milk". We've always called carrot by their favorite song " 拔萝卜( a song about a dog pulling at a carrot )" and it's so amazing for him to map it to a brand new beverage in his 2-year old brain. You know they've really grasped a language when they are branding their own beverage !

One ounce of Quiet Time=One ounce of patience

It's funny how my quiet time in the mornings directly correlate with my patience with the kids. They have been wearing on me lately. Aidan with his incessant, unrelenting nagging and even Nally's polite " Excuse me mommy" has been making me sigh " Yes what Nally ? "
But today, just 10 minutes of quiet time gave me more patience for the day. It helped me relax and not throw my usual tantrum at BSF, because my first born is innately a Zen, mindful, reflecting, slow-motioned contemplator and is impossible to hurry, no matter how hard i yell.
Today i managed to get them both to BSF, just before i get turned away from my class. i got to watch them play at the playground while eating lunch. We got to drive the car-cart at Safeway which was a treat for them. i got to muster up all my energy to drop them home and then take Nally for gym.
i had been planning to take her for a mommy-n-me visit and she had suggested the same " Can we go to the coffee shop and write ? ". We had sat there, while she did her kindergarten workbook, and me chat with daddy.
We had gone to do some errands on University. We had come home and done some marble-art work. We had done some water experiments in the bath. We had read Noah's ark in Chinese and learnt about how our body worked. i had lasted till bedtime.
Present, patient, awake, aware and not yelling.
Nothing short of a miracle.

Homeschooling for Real

Until now i have been a happy "pseudo" homeschooler.
We've kept it up but i've reported on how excited i was about Yew Chung's kindgertan curriculum and how i love the multi-age learning in the elementary and how part of me was waiting on the Palo Alto Chinese Immersion program to pass. The odds were equal on both sides. If the Chinese immersion in public school fell through in the public school system, i will keep her in Yew Chung. If we didn't like Yew Chung i'd homeschool Nally. i felt so blessed to be relieved of the panic i see in a lot of other Palo Alto mothers who have their child pre-enrolled in 5 different schools with 5 different slants and initiatives. Ours was just language. i would fill out the rest at home.
This serenity was the gift deciding to homeschool gave me.
i took the reins of my child's education back from school and transformed from being a critical, worried, overly-meddling co-op graduate to a grateful, supportive partner of my child's teacher. The difference was so concrete, i could feel it in my mouth.
But this past weeks have been the closest thing to watching a sports game on TV ( since i don't watch sports ). The PA superintendent voted yes for Mandarin immersion even picking out a property site. Then the school district members voted her down. To top it all, Yew Chung the school i thought would be our back-up announces that they are closing their elementary ( and possibly their preschool in 2 years ).
Suddenly my child has "nowhere to go" for Chinese. Suddenly i am left with the neighborhood school which in our area is so maxed out we will be over-flowed and re-assigned out of the area anyway.
Suddenly what was a fun pedagogical experiment is turning serious. Do i really want to homeschool ? Ironically as long as the nanny stays, we have language immersion in our home. The children's progress is the greatest evidence.
Our next door neighbor's little boy who has two Taiwanese parents who barely speak English spoke perfect Chinese till he went to school. Now he answers all my Chinese questions in English. All the Asian American families say it's when the kids lose their mother tongue.
If I choose to keep her home. This is it -- her and me. Has God been preparing me this past year for this ?
Suddenly what was a fun whimsical exercise is terrifying!
But lots of people are doing it. i am running into more and more people who do. It would be great to have the mornings to spend with them when Nally is in school. Enoch says i can take the money i save and spend it on all the classes i want. i could drive her to after-school Chinese everyday.
i covet your prayers as i wait for a concrete, irrefutable sign -- in this crucial decision.

Segway Boat

You know you're in the next generation when your little girl sits in this makeshift box she calls a boat -- absolutely motionless. " Do you need an oar Nally ? " i ask rummaging for a long tube. " Is it a pedal boat like the one we sat in on the lake ? "
" No, you just sit still and it stops but if you lean to the left, it moves left and if you lean to the right it moves right ".

Happy Birthday Jesus

Our birthday party for Jesus was a huge success.
Although i had to explain to Nally why it was today and not on Christmas day. Somehow she has gotten the idea down that Jesus is born ON Christmas day and that we open boxes then. Not presents -- boxes : )
But we had the kids make crowns and we dressed them up in capes. They sat and watched their parents act out the nativity story. And when the angel said “Jesus is born tonight! Go to the stable and look for him ” the kids put on their shoes and got glow sticks and went out in the yard following a glow-stick made star held high on pole. The kids went traipsing in the dark until the star stopped over a basket with a torch-light lit baby Jesus in a basket under a tree. We gathered around and sang “ Oh come let us adore Him ” Nally got to bring him into the house where we gathered around and sang “Happy Birthday to baby Jesus ”
The kids loved it. Nally sat and fed baby Jesus ( aka baby aidan doll ) spoonful and spoonful of his ice-cream cake. One of the kids did a dance as a present for Jesus. Nally made a card, the other kids made ornaments.
It was just perfect.

Set to Music

i found the perfect website for Nally's learning modality today. It's called Sing and Learn. It has everything under the sun set to music. Geography, Biology, classical tunes set to lyrics, government.
i figured since the kid is echoing verbatim the scrip to Psalty's Camping Adventures, she might as well learn something concrete.
The website is hilarious. Well worth digging around, they have really awesome samples so i was able to make an educated decision in buying Phonics Time with Jenny ( phonics and grammar set to music )

( Astronauts to Zippers note you can just buy the CD ) a really basic Phonics drill/song which is so soothing i don't mind playing it all day and
Singing Smart 1
this really hysterical CD that sets everything from the actual names of the bones of the body, the American government to the different schools of music to music.
i'm pretty picky about quality and adult tolerance so i was pretty pleased with the standard of accompaniment.

The kids loved it. We got a wall border with the alphabet on it and the boy and girl stood on chairs with little pointers stabbing the letters as we sang. The cheapest one i could find was one at Office Depot that was probably 2.5 feet long and came in 11 pieces of the same. The kids taped them everywhere the house. All except mommy's room which is for resting.