Day One
i am at Disneyland after a week of dread and pre-anxiety, i am thrilled to report it isn't as bad as i imagined.
Well first, it turns out i am only going for 1 out of the 3 days instead of 2 days. i get to stay in, in a little hotel on the strip with a presentable room. i get to walk to Downtown Disney on my time, blog, journal, finish my website.
Enoch bought me a watch, which is his sweet gesture of appreciation i know for me being here.
i tried to drive part of the way, which i am proud of. After whining, dreading, agonizing about this trip for the last week, i came finally determined to be in the present and be open to what could.
i realize like my daughter, i dread new experiences, unpredictability, the lack of safe havens, comfort objects, routine and structure. It takes forever to " get used to " things/ people. My favorite response to any invitation my husband proposes is " NO! ".
Like Nally, i am learning to protest new experiences, grieve and let it go. Find a bit of this vacation that i can enjoy, make meaningful for me.
Day Two
Day 2 at Disneyland. It's the day i promised to join them. It actually wasn't a bad day. If i didn't walk around imagining that somehow i am suppose to be at the Happiest Place in the world. If i wasn't choking on how much it cost to be there. If i wasn't dealing with the guilt of all the rest of the world who didn't get to come and my children have come half a dozen times in 3 years. i do ok.
The heat was bearable and i took many food breaks. i think if Disney took more time to incorporate decent food at their stands, they might actually get more older people.
Day Three
Day 3 at Disneyland and after walking the kids out at 10.15pm to watch The Color of Water the night before, after watching the kids all night while husband stayed out till after 12pm -- i suddenly felt entitled to enjoy the day in to myself. Day One was kinda short-circuited because Baby Boy wanted to hang out with me in the afternoon. Having him in a hotel room is like bottling a little jumping bean. Finally yesterday we quarantined him in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes before he stopped babbling incessantly to himself. He wakes up at 6am every morning and runs around, drawing in his sketchbook, bumping us awake. All this while doing full park days.
So this morning, i let the kids go out to breakfast with him. i slept in, watched a heart breaking movie " Nobody's Child", went and fixed my broken nail. Then i wandered down Downtown Disney for lunch, browsed at Sephora, bought eye shadow and had a lovely salad at a New Orleans restaurant. It was lovely to be fussed over -- by the Vietnamese manicurist, by the Sephora salesperson and by two of the cutest waiters brimming with Disneyland friendliness.
Nally asked me what i enjoy the other day and i almost choked having to admit to my recent attacks of anhedonia.
This morning, having the morning to myself, permission because of my husband's night out, a broken nail, a late night excursion putting a sleeping son in a stroller and walking out to watch the color show in a triumphant attempt to be a good sport -- i know what i enjoy. A hard earned day to myself.
It was lovely and i spent the afternoon, blogging while watching In Treatment in the background. Waiting with bated breath until the kids get home -- got to get a Dailey Method DVD workout before then.
Recent Comments