Mindspace

Glasses

After weeks of being torn between being a trooper and being one of so little faith -- i finally filled the prescription that my doctor gave me for a pair of temporary astigmatism glasses.
i just picked them up today and it's amazing how much better they made me feel. Just to be able to see the world corrected, and crisper. Not totally perfect ( as my eye changes during different times of the day) but just enough. i realize that there is threshold of sharpness i need to have in order to be a happy camper and the glasses just gets me there. and i couldn't care less if i am 20/20. Life looks good from here.
The scenario is just how i dreamed. i see great without them, i am not blind, i am not vunerable or helpless. i can ID someone if they attack me. i just see slightly better with them. Just enough for me not be annoyed.
The optometrist explained that my prescription is mostly just astigmatism and that essentially my eyes are almost 20/20. 0.25 D on my left and 0.0 on my right, it's the astigmatism that is making things blurry.
That in itself is quite a miracle since i was 6.5L and 8.5R before my surgery.
Now i just have to pray that my astigmatism will go away and then i will be home free.
But till then, thank you God that i didn't lose what was most precious -- correctable vision. and i am thrilled that i can find my glasses!

Support

For those of you who don't know, i had PRK laser eye surgery 6 days ago. A decision i made after a long, period of careful research and a "had it" ness of having to grope for my glasses in the dark. i realized that laser eye surgery is about as controversial as politics and religion and so i consulted few about the decision, checked the stats, talked to a few past patients, decided i could live with the side effects and worse case scenario a cornea transplant and went ahead.
Enoch surprsed me by being violently against it. i take that back, he surprised me by thinking that i would acquise to his objection. We compared it to his tooth bone tranplant another procedure that isn't covered by our insurance and it blew me away by the say he gave me about the whole issue.
it's his tooth, his toothlessness, his inconvenience everytime he chewed, his embarassement every time his tooth popped out, so i expected the same gesture of independence i extended to him, to be given to me.
But he joined his mother in being violently determined that i would go blind. which on an objective level is curiously inconsistent. since the odds of me losing my eyesight is like 1 in a 1000 or more. Whereas, Natalie had the odds of being 1 in 500 in being a Down baby and he wouldn't give my distraughtness time of day.
i decided he was being unreasonable and moved on.
Day 3 after my surgery, when i braced myself for the worst discomfort, and listening to horror stories of patients being in bed in the dark in pain, i finally told him that i really needed his support. He said he didn't agree with my decision, i said i didn't ask for his agreement, i asked for his support. and we had one of our infamous yelling matches.
In true choi style, we never resolved it, but his peace offering has been these silent drives to the each and every doctor's visit since then. Given there are 4 in total in 6 days... i am deeply touched.
i guess there are many languages of support. Thank you sweetheart.

Finding my glasses

dear lord,
thank you for helping me find my glasses. You knew how frustrated i was having the whole night up to working on my job and then losing them. i took a chance and looked for them on the roads where natalie and i played and there they were.
you are truly a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path!
i love you,
tania