Mindspace

My baby girl

You are so loving lately,
your teacher said today you were such a delightful child. and i am thrilled to bits watching you laugh at yourself when your shoe fell off. i love coming early and watching you in class without you knowing, and love hearing another parent tell me " is that your child? she is so happy! ". Who would have guessed you were the quiet, slow-to-warm up child that was the youngest in your Pre-School Family class.
These days you are all mommy. You push daddy's hands away when he tries to read to you, you insist on me praying, you insist on me giving you a bath. Our bedtime ritual has become enshrined into something so sacred you let no one in. i am secretly thrilled but overwhelmingly tired. Especially since you howl and throw a tantrum if your father comes get you in the morning and bring you to our bed. You lie next to me and throw a tantrum too loud for me having gotten up 3x for your brother.
But today, i hug you and you curl your arms around me and i kiss you like i kiss your brother, incessantly, addictive-ly and you smile this pleased "baby smile" that you save for when i treat you like a baby. You arch your back and laugh soaking every minute of my attention up, eating everything up.
and i can't help but believe that all this loving gives you the strength to run and jump and play with strength and joy and confidence.

Day of Accomplishments

Baby Girl,
what a big day it has been for you:
-- your teacher said she was so impressed with how you play with the big kids. How you jump in and participate with whatever they're doing ( ie. playing "train" ).
that thrills my heart much more than if you can count to 50. can i tell you that i can't do that now, just jump into a group with confidence and joy, without self consciousness ? i pray that growing up will never take that away from you and that God will protect that joy. You thrill me with all my dreams for you to be well-socialized more than well-learned.
-- you informed me that baby doll "no like it" ( no like bubbles) differentiating your love for bubbles with baby boy's fear of water. You shield his eyes like a good mommy.
-- you grabbed a piece of your 20 piece Elmo puzzle which we worked on yesterday and invited me to come play. ( which is my biggest thrill ). Completed it with suggestions. and then wanted to do it 3 more times ( "again!") i turned you down the 4th time only to call aunty fran to tell her how excited i was that she did it, more that she loved doing it, that she wanted to do it over and over and that you said "hm... hm... hm... " while fitting each piece together.
Can i tell you how it thrills my heart that you like puzzles? because i hated it as a child? i hated not knowing how to do it? i hated feeling like a failure? and all of me wants to protect you from it now, offering help, but you show me how you can sit in the uncertainty of not knowing until you fit the pieces together?
Can i tell you how it tickled me that you wanted moo-moo by your side, and that you were so thrilled when it cheered you on? and said "can i help?"
-- you differentiated between a cyclist and a "picture" of a cyclist on the way home from school.
-- you laughed so hard paused and then asked me if you were funny. " i'm funny?" and then laughed and said " i'm laughing" with such joy.
-- you ate "egg soup" for breakfast ie. half boiled eggs, "egg soup" for dinner ie. egg porridge.
-- you were so upset with the hot porridge, complaining that it was "too hot" differentiating "hot" "cold" and "warm".
-- you said "mie mie jiao" when i said "xiao xiao yang" a phrase out of our chinese book
-- i ran your fingers over the letter M and N and you re-fingered it yourself thrilled.

How can a stay-at-home-mom not make a difference? we've only done homeschooling for a week and you have sorted, and counted and made puzzles and absorbed everything. You absorb everything like a sponge and you are starved to do anything with me, even school. As i work with other moms to create a chinese homeschooling class, i know all of my training culminates for this moment.

Thrilling me daily

My darling,
you thrill me daily, from the moment i wake up my sleepy eyes with you wanting me to put on your pea in the pod hat from halloween. i watch you regard yourself gravely in the mirror. you are so aware now, of hats and hair clips and ornaments. which part of your brain clicks so you finally notice pictures and photos. today you made me take out your little drum instrument set, the one you've had since you were 6 months old, and you turned it around till you found the little "instruction" book that i left still attached to it. you looked at it and you referred to it as you took each instrument out. it cracked me up, your father is a chronic instruction manual reader too.
today at lunch, you were ravenous, i bought chinese food after PSF and put you down for your nap. when you woke up you ate, forkful after forkful of noodles by yourself as i helped you with the noodles with chopsticks. then you stopped eating, grabbed my chopsticks and successfully fed yourself 2 chopsticksful. i am so amazed at how you know its an eating instrument.
after that you ate 2 whole satsuma oranges and now you're running around with a slice of cheese saying NO to hossanna, giggling with power.
you thrill me daily.

My nally

My darling,
these days i worry about how you'll be when your brother gets here. Whenever i remember and have a good attitude, i realize these are the last days i have with you as my first born, my only.
You are amazing. Tiny little things that make me smile and relish the wonderment, and the space to be in wonder and to whisper a prayer that i will always have time to be amazed at you.
Like:
-- how you figured out to push the dining room chair to the sliding glass door to open it after i locked it
-- how you figured out how to use the casement windows in our house setting off the alarm system at 8am in the morning
-- how you open the sliding doors and close them behind you with such order
-- how mornings are the only time you put your arms around me, lay your head on my chest and give me a hug.
-- how you adore climbing into my bed just before bedtime, and when you wake up, tucking yourself in beneath the heavy covers like a grown up
-- how you and i sit there on the john, you with a big grin on your face, peering down and checking periodically if you've pee-ed and the "o" on your face when you hear me tinkle
-- how when i lift my eye mask to you peep at you, you walk across the room to insist that i keep it down
--how you kiss my belly, pat it reverently and feed it your "nai nai" from your sippy cup
-- how you insist that you wear a bib, and elmo too and go "oh no" every time you spill something and wipe it up yourself.
-- how you wade through all the Flintstone vitamins till you find the purple one and you meticulously put the rest back telling me that you only get "one" a day.

you are your own person, a delightful companion with your own needs and desires and wants and personality.
i love hanging out with you.

Sweet day

My darling,
must be the prayers of those sweet people who read your mother's rantings because today, we had one of those perfect days just the two of us.
i realize, it's just because we haven't had one of these days in a long time, since the remodel and i was just too terrified of "dealing with you" all day long. And i often forget how you are your own person, your own companion and if i open my eyes and heart you will speak to me in your own right.
You played beautifully in the morning. A different kind of play. You were very obsessed with feeding your juice to Elmo. You were intrigued with this elaborate car that a contractor's son left behind that was a BMW with doors and a trunk that opened. You stuck a little doll in it and drove away. Then you spent a good while making breakfast for Elmo in your kitchen and feeding him in the Singaporean highchair your aunty lent you.
As if to give me a break from these last weary days of feeding you -- you actually ate well today -- a hard- boiled egg and some oatmeal. At 11.30am you actually let me feed you a whole bowl of beans and rice, granted while watching Wiggles.
You wouldn't go down for your nap till 1.30 and i was so tired. But after you woke up i forced myself to take you to Gymboree playgym.
And i remember why i love taking you places. Places for you and not for me. Why i only run errands when you're not with me. It gives me all the space to look at you -- in top form running around the gym and climbing and sliding and jumping and skipping.
It was just yesterday that i worried that you would never climb, or never go down the slide upwards instead of on your tummy, never feel comfortable physically. Your grandparents will marvel at the difference when they come this time from Singapore, how you take the gym heads-on with both hands, with such delight and confidence.
You only played for 45mins then you put your shoes on and wanted to leave. It's been months since you've been to the Los Altos Gymboree but you remember Lambert's Ice Cream. i had planned for us to eat at the supermarket but alas, all good intentions -- Vanilla yogurt instead. But i was secretly pleased that you didn't finish the whole little cup, that you just wanted a taste.
When we came home, you actually ate some mac and cheese and peas, on my lap while i struggled with my rice and steak.
When i left for Bible Study, you clung onto me so tight. Could it be that you had a good day too? that you missed your floor time all these months. That you're sick of being a good sport and grown up and a big girl just like i do these days and you were just in the mood for some pampering.
You will always have all of my heart my love. i will treasure these last days with you alone.

First nap at Daycare

May 28 2004
My darling,
today you spent your first afternoon at Holly Oak and i worried about you -- that you would be too tired by 1pm, too hot, too fussy, too tired to eat. But you surprise me.
You ate your lunch happily -- the green beans, carrot corn and pasta. You were delighted to go to the nap room and lay down. You didn't mind that i brought the new moo moo instead of the one you sleep with at night, that i forgot your blanket and we had to use one of theirs. You drank you milk and pretended to snore and you were delighted by all the other 10 kids in the room.
You were so excited to see Rajy and concerned about his owie. You ate his yogurt graciously.
You are my pride and joy. More amazing that getting the permit for our remodel in an hour today, more glorious than this new house.
Thank you for showing me what is most important.

DisneyLand

May 16 2004
My darling,
your father and i took you to Disneyland. Only you could coax me out of the stress of the week, the discomfort of being pregnant and acquiescing to your father to go on a trip i swore i wouldn't take.
Watching you love "it's a small world", sit in a tea-cup and ride the carousel was the only anecdote to my selfishness. You made me smile.
You are the only one who can make me see outside myself.

Just you and me

May 21 2004
My darling,
you are my joy. my center, and my anchor amidst the craziness of these days.
today it was just you and me,, and in the silence of "non adult" conversation you thrill me again by how you:
-- giggled and laughed at Costco
-- was so miraculously comforted when i skinned your knees trying to catch you from a fall while walking the stanford oval.
-- how you played so independently on the playground with your own agenda and your idea of play
-- you sat by yourself away from me during library time
-- you slept so amazingly from 12pm-2pm
- you ran around so demurely at Wallenberg my stanford lab.
-- you wailed inconsolably when you fell down the stairs
-- you clung to me when you left for the night.

how i missed you as i watch this little baby in the movie crawl after his mother over thin ice, as she left him at the monastery. You are all that is important in life.

House hunting

May 2004
My darling,
you are my joy, in the midst of the stress of house hunting, you remind your father and me to pause and enjoy what we already have -- your glorious smile, your adoration. You "force" us to enjoy your preschool, picnics by the water in Shoreline Park, paddle boating on the lake, and walking the May Fete Parade.
Your father and i would have killed each other by now, had you not reminded us to take breaks, come home for your naps, go out to the movies and make out in parking lots.
Today you and i went swimming, and it was so much fun to see you take leaps of growing confidence. The look on your face when you realized you were floating. and how much you love the water-- we spent 2 hours out there. You got all dark, and i was so proud of you, how you are turning out to be such a water baby.
Such a wonderful break from house shopping my love. Thank you for never being a burden but always being our sanity check.

Muuuuuum -my

My darling,
after 4 nights of screaming for hours on end for me, tonight you are silent.
While you are asleep, i come to you, and sit by you on the chair you pat so ferociously through the bars of your crib in request for me to sit by you -- exhaustedly, determinedly outraged by my absence.
Tonight i am here, and you are asleep. Turned away, oblivious and i wonder why i ever disdained your affection for me, your firm belief that somehow i was the answer to the world. Why i would throw that in your face, night after night and shame and punish you for it.
Why i didn't realize, like all things -- it was fleeting. Moments with you -- the joys, the grief, the pain and anguish -- they are passing, and i should savor it all.
Because tonight, you didn't cry " Muuuuuum my! " not once, not even in your sleep. and suddenly the word you have railed in increasing degrees of demanding-ness and finally thrown around like an expletive, is the word i long to hear.