Mindspace

The kids have been so clingy lately. Right on the heels of 10 days of vacationing -- we couldn't be more in love.
Aidan is in his prime -- brimming over with chivalry, rushing to get me towels if soap gets in my eyes, helping me get and put away groceries, giving me massages and opening my car door. Today he even agreed to exfoliate WITH me ( i think he thinks it's a fair exchange for me cheering him on with basketball ) and we spent 10 minutes just putting moisturizer on our faces.
Nally is insatiable - " My love tank is 28%"  ( this is at 930 at night  ), jumps in my arms, takes up breast feeding position and wants to be rocked in the rocking chair. I think one day i wouldn't have 2 children who fight for my touch, cuddles, massages, songs, prayers and hi-lows. This lady stops and watches our daily good bye ritual at the school and says " Affectionate day ? " i say " No, this is EVERYDAY" 
I feel so blessed to have children who still think i am the best thing since sliced bread.

Independence Day

The kids are in such a prime of life right now, it's got to be my favorite phase.
They are independent and chatty, insightful and adoring. They got all their homework routines and chores down so that when i come home i can just simply enjoy them, it seems like all the years of keeping structure and routine paid off.Perhaps the biggest thing that has been the difference is how independent they've become since the nanny's departure. Every morning, now they wake up and make their own breakfast. Aidan and Nally can now scramble their eggs, microwave bacon, make their own protein shakes, make my coffee with creamer and a splash of mint hot chocolate.The other day, they woke up on a Monday and said " Mom we want to go to Mcdonald's for breakfast" and i said " i don't want to eat at Mcdonalds" and Nally made me a spinach, cheese, ham and egg omelette and Aidan got my coffee. I ate it, we got in the car, went to Mcki Ds and then drove to school.If it wasn't for the fact, i don't want them eating hashbrowns and pancakes everyday, i could get used to the treatment!

Nally 9 year and 8 months

 Nally woke up in them middle of the night because of jetlag and looked for her homework. i looked at her this morning and thought -- look how much you’re grown baby girl. All the years of struggling in kindergarten and first grade paid off, you are finally self-disciplined. It moves me especially with her. Since i know unlike her brother who is a focussed, goal oriented bullet, this process hasn’t come easy. It has taken hours of dropped pencils, ripped slices of donuts, clocked in hours at Starbucks, on purple plush arm chairs, me insulated with 4.5 years of Psych reading to keep me properly distanced and prevented from killing her every second she gets distracted by a change in air pressure.
Today, she can finish pages of chinese, a language she hates and is counting the years till middle school where she doesn’t have to do it anymore. Today, she can take the total number of homework pages divided by 4 and find out what she needs to do per day. More than that, she has accomplished what i feared she would never do ( Which her father is still trying to master ) -- learning to do what she does not like doing.
Yesterday i heard her banging on the piano for a good 30 mins. No small feat for someone who runs to her bedroom crying every time i ask for a replay. It’s been a practice for me to not meddle, take 50 steps back and take my anxieties to my therapist.
But almost 9, she is just beautiful. Grown up and poised. Learning how to “handle” her brother. i watch her talk him down from escalated mood swings, distract him from full blown tantrums, and i think “ Girl, even if you don’t end up a therapist, you have more skills and knowledge about how to handle your brother and men than i ever had your age”.
But she has always been an old soul. Bonding with adults as a baby more than her peers. Her brother rambles on and on about the private lives of his classmates. She misses her CLUBBED camp leader Albert and writes to him. Everyone says i got my hands full for the teen years, but for now, she loves and respects me. And somehow her affection is worth its weight in gold.

November Home-schooling Pictures

Highlights of November Home-schooling
- Phonic CDs in the car
- Finished chapter 7 and 8 of Headsprout reading program
- A new science and math site called Peep and the Big Wide world
- Wedgets
- started getting addicted to Diego!Diego and tree frogs.
- audio books at nap-time
- counting out "is there enough? " for everyone
- measuring things with string and ribbon
- cutting intricate snowflakes
- cookie decorating
- making spatial houses out of marshmallow and toothpicks
- starting Singapore Math 1A
- starting to trace her name in Chinese
- Moon sand
- mapping out our house directionally
- illustrating a chinese poem
-carbon dioxide filled people
-carbon dioxide rising raisins

SAHM

If anyone told me when i had children i would be a stay-at-home mom, i would have extended the already long 7 years i waited before i had my daughter. i was one of those women who liked the idea of children, the symbolic concept of children, the motif of procreation and fertility and the hope of the future but not actual babies.
i loved reading book after book of developmental psychology my mother had on child-rearing. i devoured them in real time as she was using them to raise me. Those were my first lessons on detachment, honing down the out-of-body art of leaving an adolescent crisis while being a teenager, and thinking " i see what you are doing .... you're using Chapter 9 out of Dr. Dobson's The Strong Willed Child ".
i figured i would do the same with parenting; that if things got too much, i would go to the "happy place" in my head and get some perspective.
But i couldn't. Not if you were a stay-at-home mom. You can't really leave. There is no "happy place" to go. There isn't even a place to go to take a day off or get a vacation ( yes they come too on vacation ). i remembered in the early months or even now, daydreaming of this large empty house ( with no furniture or i would start cleaning ) with a single, down-filled pillow in the middle of the room and just laying my head down and sleeping.
i overheard one of my coworkers say when he had a new baby " i really needed a vacation so i came back to work." i wrote my manager at 3 in the morning and said the infant made every flakey engineer i worked with look good.
No, a stay-at-home mom never leaves. There is nowhere to go. There isn't a job that refer to with your spouse with that special important voice " Honey, i need you to do ..... because i need to work". There isn't the stress of a project that makes you feel like you in community with all the other working employees in the world so you can exchange tired glances when you walk across the parking lot to your car.
Mothers never look bad in front of each other. They put make up on for play-dates. They actually dress up when they take their kids out. i think the biggest thing i missed when i stayed home is the community of mothers who were honest enough to really talk about how bad things were somedays. People at work did. We whined together. It made the day go by.
But with moms, it was almost like we were hanging onto such a precarious strand of sanity that if we admitted to another person how hard it was that it would be the last straw on the camel's back to make us snap.
i remember pulling by the side of the road in tears, chiding myself for not being able to "do this". i was intelligent, well-read, well-degreed, relatively competent, apparently well-resumed, why in the heck can't i "do this? " It took a kind soul, a former co-worker at Oracle to take me into her house, give me a cup of tea and gently suggest the unspeakable idea of getting help. Getting as much help as i needed to get through this. This woman whom i had pitted myself against in my "younger days" in bureaucratic office politics was offering me permission for help. i still thank her everyday for it.
So why do i do it? Why don't i, as my husband nonchalantly suggests to me during bad days "just go back to work? " Because i've hated many of the jobs i've worked at and never quit. Because i have sold my time, sleep, energy and mental health for the highest bidder of fortune 500 companies. Because i had endured crazy out-of their mind bosses and still showed up for work day after day getting medals and awards for " maturity beyond my years ". Because the Singaporean in me has trained me to believe me that jobs are not for loving. They are for surviving. That's why you get paid as much as you do.
i'm home because finally for the first time i've got a job that matters. And if i had sold my soul, sleep and sanity for cold hard cash, how much more shouldn't i sell the same soul to 2 human beings who loved me before i'd even proven that to them that i was qualified to be mommy. Because i finally found a CEO who thinks i am irreplaceable, that won't lay me off and is irrefutably invested in my ideas; Because at the end of the day i am as or more exhausted as when i worked for Sun but never once then did i say "i'd wake up and do it this all over again! ".
Trust me, i've tried to go back. i even got full-time help ( which practically costs a house in the US ), i got the household ready, i had the kids sleeping through the night at 10 weeks so that i could have my energy up to put in those hours.
But as i stood in front of 60 hour work weeks, bosses and team members people who wanted all of me and i realized, to my horror, that a lot more has changed on me than that 4-inch scar on my stomach. i am not the sharp-edged, cut-throat negotiator i used to be.
For the first time in my life, i have to value my time. i have to REALLY like my job. Because every hour i am there, i am not with my children. i am not in their life.
For a while i was really angry at the children for putting me in this bind. i was outraged that my husband got to pick up and continue working like nothing has changed while i was "scarred" with this new space they took up in my brain. i was different. Motherhood had changed me.
It's taken me this long to thank them. These little creators whom i one time viewed as my captors day after day; whose lifestyles, sleep schedule, conversation pattern interrupt my stream of thought and life a million times a day. Somedays i still can't believe the selfish audacity of toddlers and preschoolers.
Yet i've learnt to appreciate and thank them for taking me out of the rat-race of work and forcing me to value myself in a way i could never do all by myself. They make me value my wholeness, my sleep, my mental health and my recovery because now their well-being is at stake.
"What makes you happy mommy, what makes you smile ? " my 4 year old has been asking me lately. i shift self-consciously " you know sweetie, mommy doesn't really smile ... smiling is not one of my daily goals " i say racking my brain for a pat answer embarrassed that a child has once again put their finger on something 10 years of therapy failed to do. They are the wisest teachers -- the children.
And that's why i stay home.

Tania Choi is a SAHM who trades her industry skills only for school fees, academic favors, non-profits starts ups and causes she feels passionately about. While she still struggles with being a cost center, she is infinitely happier.

( Submission to the Straits Times Singapore on the Topic of Stay-At-Home-Moms )

Daily Dig

Baby boy seems sleepy and he is is down for his afternoon nap early. i just finished a lunch of leftover lamb and spinach over Sex in the City while he bounces in the jumper. Mondays and Wednesdays when i have baby girl in school, i feel so lavished upon that the silence seems sacred. i get washed over by these waves of gratefulness that seems so hard to hold onto on all the other days with toddler chaos and husband's restless energy.
But with my head clearer, a morning of quiet time and catch-up with friends at Starbucks this morning, i am reluctant to spoil the afternoon with frenzied packing energy which is what i have on my things to do list.
Milk supply is back up since i've started pumping again. Breast feeding just takes way too much faith for me. Aidan was not draining my breasts, so my supply was dropping and for the first time since i had oddles of milk for nally -- i panicked and wondered if i could nurse him for a year.
But pumping twice a day and making sure that i eat well and drink fluids helped and i am back to pumping 6-7 oz a session.
thank you jesus.
Woke up with baby boy at 6am and instead of crawling back into bed, decided to start my day. Finally enlightened Enoch that when he finally wakes up at 7.30, i would have gotten in and out of bed 3-4 times catering to his son's needs. the kid wakes up at 4.30 bright eyed and bushy-tailed, babbling up a storm. Between guilt and fear that he would wake up his sister, i shuttle him from gymini to mobile to play gym, in half an hour intervals, so when his sister finally gets up at 7.30am and only demands for me, and screams when enoch gets her and puts her in bed. i am a crab.
So i found out that he isn't unhappy. He is just wired. He isn't even hungry until 7am. He is just vocal at that time. Chatting non-stop and really loud. Nally came into and said "too loud... too loud" pointing to Aidan and i shrug my shoulders.
So tonight, i am going to close my door and not wake up till 6am instead of 4 or 5, listening to his every word trying to interpret boredom or fear or loneliness in the intonations of a 5 month old and just get him at 6am.

None compares

Since the door for me working part-time closed, i have been feeling the loss wistfully.
But days like today, i remember who i am, my calling for now and realize that no product launch at Sun or Oracle, no pay-raise, no exceeded expectation during my review could reward me the same way today has.
- the way baby boy smacks his lips after every teaspoon of cereal and kicks so hard with glee, nally and i have to sit there and shout "stop kicking. stop kicking" so i can find his mouth.
- the fact that he woke up at 3.30am, i put him back to sleep without a feed and he slept till 7am
- the fact that my non-eater dear daughter ate yogurt, cranberries and 2 helpings of "egg soup" half boiled eggs for breakfast.
- the fact that my son fell asleep in the car ( the venue for blood curdling screams for the first 3 months of his life ) and stayed asleep for the next 2 hours when i transferred him into his stroller and journal-d at Starbucks
- and tonight after nally and i watch him flip a million times from front to back, i decided to leave him there and he fell asleep on his back, arms stretched out.

Little thrills, but i dare you to believe that getting a 2.5 year old to let you wash her hair without crying is right up there with getting a bunch of engineers to freeze their code so that you can write training.
And tonight, when i hit upon the "cure" of letting her hold a face towel to her face while i rinsed her hair out, providing whatever psychological solace she needed, i know it took all of my MA and BA and BFA and more.
My brain is working.... it is working.... big time and overtime.
with joy.

Day with 2

So Nally is officially out of "Daddy-phase" and now into "mommy" actually, it's this emphatic, impatient "MUM!". Although.. .she still asks " where daddy go" at least 5 times a day, in increasing annoyance if you don't answer each one.
Especially whiny today, and day 2 of her eating strike. i am dealing with grace though, actually getting to lie down for 30mins since baby boy woke me up at 4.30 last night ravenous. ( i wonder if he is going through a growth spurt )
But she is playing nicely, loving her play dough easel and her paint table. Today we went over to the next door neighbors with a Christmas box of nuts. i had to explain to her over and over that it was not Nally's present. And we got to visit the only family with kids on our street during the bewitching hour of 4-5pm.
It was so funny, because Nally just wandered around independently parallel playing with the 5- and 1.3 year old. And my son sat on my lap, coo-ed and smiled and vocally chatted with the mother. All this during the hours when he is usually the fussiest.
Guess who is the social one in the family?

Staying Needy

In the same spirit of the concert last night, it suddenly hit me journaling at Starbucks this morning yet another difference in the way i parent my daughter and son.
i have been contritely repentant of all the judgmental comments i've made toward my friends who are mother of sons; for the way they have such a mushy spot for their boys, determined that i would be different. This resolution i gave up instantly the minute Aidan arrived, realizing that i've fallen involuntarily in love in response to being unconditionally adored by a man-child.
But as much as i am so delighted with this bundle of pure need, and as i joyfully run to his summons for me, and i am totally reconciled with his preferential treatment as he tracks me around the room in his father's arms, i suddenly remember that i exhibited no such delight with natalie.
Instead i remembered a comment my dad made once in singapore about her need for me. He said " .....of course she wants the mother...." and i dismissed it almost embarrassed. No she doesn't, she is indiscriminate, she adjusts, she transitions, she never latched breast-feeding and takes the bottle from anyone, she can be cared for by multiple caretakers, she falls but is able to get up. i squirmed through all her clingy milestones claustrophobic and worried that she would never let me go.
Even today as i dropped her off at Montesorri, as she clung to my legs, i recall rolling my eyes, desperately annoyed at why after 6 weeks, she can't turn around wave bye bye and run the other way.
Yet my son whimpers and i run to him. He needs me and it's ok. Is it because he is an infant ? i never cut baby natalie any slack.
i come from a long line of women who demanded strength and resilience from their firstborn daughters. Among us we've survived rheumatoid arthritis, been a sole breadwinner for a family of 5 and succeeded through brutal comments from teachers in Singapore's meritocratic schools. We were all raised to "suck it up", pull up your bootstraps and deal with whatever life served us.
Surprise, surprise, we all have trouble being vulnerable, needy, dependent and soft. We are harsh with ourselves and harsh with others and unreconciled with our own frailty and neediness.
So as i catch myself saying "oopsa daisy nally, you fell it's ok get up!" or " no whining use your words" or chide others for being too soft on nally, i realize i am unconsciously passing on my tradition.
So ironically, my new parenting resolution whether for nally or aidan is to teach them needyness. That it's ok to be weak or needy, or sad or hurt. It's ok to fall or need help. It's ok to whine for mommy in the middle of the night. i want them to do what i am learning to do: sit with my weakness, befriend it and turn it over to the One who can be strong.

Hard Saturday

Its one of the those days when i want to ship nally off to a preschool five days a week.; when she makes 5 requests in 5 minutes -- "noodles, yogurt, water, milk, banana whatever" while i am on the phone with SBC threatening the guy that he needs to cut to the chase and ask me the last question he needs in order to give us a live line on our home phone. All this while, my infant is fussing, nally is throwing noodles on the floor, mushing bananas in a pile and my sought after item on ebay is ending in 51 minutes. ( by the way did i mention i was buying a service that would bid and watch for me while i was on the phone so that i didn't have to be under this kind of stress again ? ).
We have been trying to go to the park all morning, and then baby boy sleeps and then a friend says they'll drop by to pick up a bottle, and then this auction is threatening to end and soon it's 12pm, 15 mins to nap time and i have yelled "what nally 5 times already?"
even baby boy seems less cute.
i chastise myself for the hundredth time for not being completely present for them. For believing i can juggle it all, breathing a prayer for all the other stay-at-home moms with 2 or more kids still trying to run their households.
that's what i get for using the TV card at 8am in the morning.