Mindspace

Nally and LD

Nally might have a learning disability Lord. i think i've always known her brain worked differently. i've just never called it an LD. A part of me still refuses to. She's compensated beautifully and is doing fine at school.
Yet part of me feels that it's important if she does have it, to address it before middle school.
My heart is tender here, can't decide why. i feel like somehow, i had it, and no one addressed it and knew and i felt so alone and ashamed for being different. Hopefully, you have protected her from this. That is all i can pray for.
I feel like God is sending resources. I have a reading specialist at St Lawrance that is willing to test Natalie for free, i met a woman here at the retreat that can hook me up with a reading recovery tutor.
I just want this summer for her to get help. And a part of me chastises myself for not getting help earlier.
To imagine her doing less that what she could just breaks my heart.
This retreat, i hear the mothers talk about their children. i have the privilege of listening to them talk in retrospect.
God if i could have a glimpse of who she'll be like in college, i would worry less. If i know you'll get here there eventually, i can let go of the process. Help me to trust you and start now.

Chinese Speech Competition

I practiced my Al-anon program with my Chinese speech competition yesterday ( whoops Freudian slip ) the kids' Chinese speech competition.
i had what my teen client would call a " mild case of the fuck its " i just literally threw the speeches the kids wrote across the room and refused to translate them. i said "It's not fair! Other parents who don't know Chinese can't do this, can't coach this, can't do half as much as i do. They're kids do fine, better and they're not a wreck the way i am every year! " I refuse to do this anymore. Like i told the people in my Al-anon group " I am all out of Chinese ".
It's been such a long road, and this year, i am spent. i started out with all the aspirations and plans, and a word a day and teaching Aidan to be an ESL kid and now Chinese has ended up being this painful, resigned space where i try to not think about what i was learning at their age, and let the teacher be teacher.
But the Chinese Speech Competition is huge somehow, it's such a source of stress, somehow it encapsulates home and here and all my dreams for them as a speech and drama student myself. i can't let it go, but i have no control of how it'll go. My children are untrainable. They are wet noodles with rolled eyes and they won't let me use years of speech experience.
Parenting is such a mean joke. It's like they loan you kids, they look like you, they have your traits, they have your weaknesses and possibly your strengths, but for the life of me, they don't have your life.
And everyday, i am both celebrating and grieving that. They don't have my life, not even a little. They don't read at the same time, they don't write the same way. Maybe because at the end of the day, it hits me hard, because i didn't grow up here, so i have no clue how their experience is supposed to be.
Although maybe God is merciful because if they were in Singapore, i'd be a constant wreck all day knowing the educational system there and how it's run. 
But anyway, i took a deep breath, and showered. Came back and thought self-care. What do i need to get through the Chinese Speech Competition. What am i willing to do to get through ?
So i handed my husband one child, i did the other and emailed the English drafts to the teacher. There, it's theirs. i hired a private speech coach twice a week for the next 3 weeks but that's the most i am willing to do. i am going to sit back this year and watch it the way other parents do every year and not be strung out on a limb.
It is after all, their speech competition.

Natalie Baking

The kids have to be about the perfect age -- more than being articulate, introspective and insightful post-hours therapists, they recently newborn cooks.
Nally's totally coming into her own in the kitchen. She now attends cooking classes on her own, googles recipes,  makes full blown cakes while i nap on Sunday afternoons.
Between that and watching Daddy's cooking shows, i am so pleased to see Aidan sitting there flipping the pan and shaking it noisily like the professionals. 
I now can be effectively bribed to take them to Mcdonalds on a school day morning by waking up to fully made, calorically acceptable breakfast -- scrambled eggs with spinach and turkey/fish/chicken and a cup of coffee ( Starbucks mixed with peppermint cocoa and a dash of creamer ). It's full service in our house.
The other day, i sat down on a Sunday to make stew in the crock pot and i had 2 suse chefs who fought over who gets to cut mushrooms and onions, peel potatoes and carrots. We had more fun making the soup than eating it.
But i am so struck by how we would never had experienced this new surge of interest and independence if we kept our in-house cook -- the nanny.
We learnt that if we let the kids make their breakfasts, they eat it. The other day, Aidan chastised me for assuming that i knew what he'd like for breakfast and putting it on the table BEFORE he opened the fridge and figured out what he wanted. ( Nevermind he liked my suggestion and ate it heartily )
But here are pictures of them cooking and cleaning. Nally bakes every weekend getting the same therapeutic relief from flour and mixing i get from writing and reading poetry.
I for one get increasing grouchy as the kitchen gets increasingly covered with uncontrollable dusts of flour and sugar.
The upside is on days like this on Thanksgiving morning, we are greeted with chocolate chip pancakes made on the fly, in the moment -- they are amazing!

 

Nally's Piano lessons

Piano Lessons Take Six.
Where are we after 5 piano teachers ? Teacher Vicki, Peery School of Music, then there was that Chinese one that had her hiding under the piano, her beloved Teacher Mya and then now Teacher Jim.
Whom ironically of everything is slightly on the spectrum. Whom i am coaching every step of the way, who is truly clueless about positive reinforcement. i literally eavesdrop and cheer in the empty open space after the kids play their songs.
How did we end up with him? Out of sheer convenience.  He comes to the house and he's got me at the perfect season in life when i am with piano as i am with Chinese -- open hearted, grateful for any interest, relinquished of any agenda. He is so lucky he did not get me a mere 2 years ago when i was sending pedagogy articles about how to teach piano to a right brain, non-sequential learner.
But this Saturday, we ran into a revelation just out of sheer coincidence, the kind that God out of his humor gives.
Nally wrote a worshipsong, lyrics, tunes and all.
And i asked him to help her transcribe it. It worked. It clicked. The girl is now invested in piano again. He transcribed it. He played it and now he will teach her to play her own music.
Trust my baby girl to only play music she writes : )

 

Post Nanny

3 weeks after the nanny left, and i am amazed we are still standing.
Granted i have gotten more significantly crabby and there has been a lot more yelling and nagging about household chores lately, but the kids and hubby are getting the hang of it.
Even our new cleaners are understanding my priorities -- dishes and laundry.
The kids are getting the hang of making their own breakfast and bussing their plates. This week i was out of town and the chores still got done, albeit less up to par than past weeks.
But i am so amazed at how long i had "put up" with having a stranger in the house all in the name of having more help. i realized that all that time, i was living against my values -- having children that assume that clothes get picked up, fighting with her to let them take responsibilities, taking it personally that they won't eat any of the food we prepare.
Today as i watch my daughter fix a plate of peanut butter and banana for the first time, after begging her to try it all these years, i realize the value of having them be responsible for sensing their hunger, figuring out what they wanted to eat, fixing it and cleaning up.
This is totally against the Chinese customary practice of anticipating when you're hungry, determining what you will eat, forcing the amount you eat and then getting severely offended if you don't clean your plate.
My children are waking up, loving making scrambled eggs, wanting to be chefs or playing with fire ( girl then boy ) and cleaning up their breakfast dishes. They are making their beds and cleaning their rooms BEFORE they leave the house.
For the first time in 17 years of marriage, their father is watching bemused, amused and actually doing the same. A part of me still wonders what is it about me that makes it easier to insist my children do it and not my husband.
But i am finally proud of the family i am raising. The new little man that is going to be so different from his father and both our fathers. At the end of the day, i can hear their spouses rise up and call me blessed. After 7 years of nannyhood, just as i had a lifetime of household help -- they are not spoilt!

Nanny Gone

The nanny's been gone for 2 weeks.
My brother-in-law's lead turned out to be a good fit and she was gone in a week. In a flash, 7 years of her presence vanished.
Ironically, given i have only been "pre-grieving" this for a month now -- we haven't missed a beat. Yes, the house is a little messier, and i feel it most in the kitchen with the dishes. But it's been lovely having the house to myself in the evenings and mornings. To have the guest room back which i have re-named my library. It's lovely to wake up in the morning, grab a cup of tea and read. It's great to have a place to go if i wake up in the middle of the night and want to read myself back to sleep.
i realize, her departure was way overdue. The kids don't miss her food at all. They are independent, adaptable and possessive over time with us. They don't want care-takers. They want us.
For me, i realize, i am taking ownership of my house for the first time in a while -- readily throwing away things. i am packing parts of the house little by little. Something i had put off doing every time she "suggested" i do it. It's like my mother moved out, so now my house is really mine. i can actually do what i want.
The kids are getting the hang of keeping the house tidy, the kitchen picked up and their chores up to date. For the first time, their conscientiousness puts my husband to shame and my husband is picking up after himself, and making his bed.
So a new era, we're out on our own. Being totally independent feels risky but good.

Nally at 9

Baby girl is growing by leaps and bounds. Mostly, it's just amazing to watch her words and brain catch up with her soul.
In the car, we have the deepest conversations.
Today,
she says "Mommy, when i choose my friend, i think his mom is more important than his face".
i gulp, does she mean what i think she means ? " What do you mean honey ? "
" Because if his mommy is nice. He will be nice "
" That's very wise honey, but it's also important to see how well he gets along with his mommy. Because if he is nice to his mommy, he'll be nice to you"
" Hmmm... ok well i stand a very good chance being nice to my friend ( ie. partner )"
" i think so "
----------------------------------
Natalie: " Mommy, when is there a time when you don't have to have a bedtime ? "
Mommy: " Well, you'll always need a bedtime because even if you don't have school, you'll have work "
Natalie: " Well when do you not have to have someone tell you to sleep "
Mommy: " Well you have them tell you until you learn to tell yourself. Because there are very few times in life when you don't have to wake up the next morning to go to school or work "
Natalie:" Well if you're homeless you don't. "
Mommy: " This is true. If you're homeless you don't have a job. If you don't have a job. You don't have money. You may be hungry and cold BUT you get to sleep anytime you want"
Aidan: " You have the rules so you can learn "
Natalie: " Stay out of it Aidan"
Mommy: " ok Nally, you're 9 years old you get to sleep anytime you want. But i am going to sleep at 830pm, which means, after that no singing, no reading, no special times, no chatting, no hi-lows, no prayers. OK ? And i'll wake you up at 645 in the morning "
Natalie : " It's ok mommy, i'll sleep early. I just want the power".

Lull

There is a lull in my practice. i meeting my numbers but i am not exceeding them like i used to as a trainee or a new intern. Everybody's numbers fall over the summer. It is consistent with the ebb and flow of private practice. But i guess for the first time it is hitting me that this is a place that i am going to have to visit over and over again if i am to be in private practice.
That being in this uncomfortable, anxiety producing, ambiguous space in between " a full practice" is going to be spiritual practice.
i am definitely less anxious than before. And i definitely go back and read my entries of serenity and faith in God's will for my life. i remember how there were months in my early practice that i got 2 referrals a week. i remember knowing then as even more so now how nothing short of a miracle those referrals were.
i try to remember the source.
As i am growing into the shoes of being an experienced therapist, i can sense myself trying to carve out a space that i can settle in permanently.
It's so funny. My husband has been talking about retirement lately. He is fixated on a day he wouldn't have to work. i told him right outright, as if i was putting a stake into the ground " You know that i am working for the rest of my life right ? "
Yet as i think about doing this work for the next 20 years, i wonder about how i would change through the years, how my practice would change, and how the spiritual practice of me waiting for clients will change.
Wondering.

Hedy Schleifer

I'm pretty jaded as marriage goes.
It's amazing that i am as effective as i am as a couples therapist. It's amazing that i love couples work as much as i do. i think i love the dynamics, watching couples connect in the room, watching men connect to themselves, i love the imago conversations. But honestly a part of me is as jaded as the hills when it comes to marriage.
i know it shows up with the waves of nausea i fight at weddings, it just came up again when my favorite receptionist at work got engaged. i get dizzy, i get claustrophobic -- a part of me wants to tell them -- i believe in relationship, i believe in connection but marriage really ?
All this after i told Nally that superglue only happens in marriage. Slight hitch.
But i always told enoch that if he ever died before me, i wouldn't remarry. i don't think it's any accident that all the people that i most admire now -- Father Tom, Pema Chodron are all either nuns or monks. i can imagine growing old with a very good old friend even a male friend but marriage ? Over-rated.
i think it has to do with how idealized i was when i first got married and just only completing the griefwork of letting that dream go. i know that at the back of my mind, that God modeled His relationship with the church like one between man and wife. i know that our marriage verses were " A cord of 3 strands ". i know. i know. i know.
But this morning, i was listening to a relationship CD that my new individual supervisor gave me --- skeptically, critically, half heartedly, dutifully since i do need to get myself up to date with the latest relationship theories and something actually trickled into my heart. i couldn't scarcely believe it. i actually believed it -- it was hope.

Listen to her she is amazing.

Notes from listening....

• We can view our lives has being filled with problems or we can see problems as opportunities to visit the other person's world. When we can do it, the nuts and bolts of life works itself out.

• The secret to fulfillment is accepting and embracing what is.

• Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate in real time. In public.

• Crossing the bridge to the other person's world is the greatest meditation one can do to expand myself.

• She married her 12 husband -- her husband has been transformed and changed since she met him.

• All of us is wired to heal.

• The space between us sacred

• When we were first romanced, we were unconscious, strangers. We need to re-romanticize our marriage because now we are conscious partners we are just getting to know.

• There is a difference between a person's essence and their survival pattern.

• Do something nice and loving for your spouse everyday.

Sex Talk

Nally and i had another sex talk. i figured with the recent hip-hop endeavor and her recent interactions with boys " Why can't i have a sleepover with Aidan again ? "that i might as well come clean.
i told her that yes when she walked in on enoch and i the other day in the middle of the night, i was not having allergies which is what i told her -- we were having sex. i told her that sex was like superglue, something you do with someone that you love and know is safe and will stay forever because if they leave, they rip parts of you off with them and it hurts incredibly. But over and over we come to the same old question of " So then why would you have sex if you don't want a baby ? " So i've gotten away with it being comforting and reassuring and fun. All of which i am trying not to make so tantalizing and so age appropriate that the next question would be " Can i try ? " The child asked for a preview, a demo, an anatomical lesson basically " Can i see how it's done "This is after we've gone through how it's not ok for people to see your privates or you naked or other people naked, or naked pictures or movies, or to make movies of you. i think i covered all the possible deviant nuances of modern day sexual exploration.
But at the end of the day, i finally realize the word i am avoiding is "pleasure"; and i find myself even choking to say " It feels good". This is totally congruent with the fact that i have issues with pleasure, and the most pleasurable experiences in my life occurs right between my frontal lobe and amygdala. That most of my pleasurable experiences have been ones experienced alone.
That at the end of the day, it is not high up on my priority list of things important in life. Qualities like meaning, fulfillment and joy take precedence.
My supervisor says that in her work with women and teens, more education needs to be out there about the big O. And that i need to tell women that orgasm for women exists, is their right, is something they can control and be in charge of and something that doesn't live with only men ( Theirs and ours )
i think about the day i'll tell Nally about orgasm. Somehow, it doesn't feel as stressful as talking to Aidan about his. My hunch is that she's found hers already. They say toddlers have orgasms, babies have orgasm. i found mine quite by accident, waiting for the bathroom to pee. i realized that if you waited for a while to go to the bathroom -- i actually felt good. i was about 10; and to this day love the idea that i found it on my own and it didn't have anything to do with a man.
i suspect the little girl's found hers. And somehow i have to incorporate it into the sex talk one day. But until then, i probably have to do some work around pleasure.