Mindspace

A month's hiatus

Wow, it's been a month since i've blogged. My son is a month old. Mummy leaves this weekend and enoch and i officially start our lives as a family of 4. It's been such a month of ups and downs, joys and woes, and fear and victories. It's kind of nostalgic looking back and seeing how much God and my mother has seen us through.
My mom was an angel tonight, insisted that we both went out and she take the kids. This would be the second of 4 nights that she watches the kids. The fact that she does it so "effortlessly" inspires me. But we got Natalie bathed, fed and put into bed so that she can just take care of Aidan.
It was nice to be out with Noch alone. Our date nights have been accompanied by the little one since we don't feel comfortable with the babysitter and the infant. It seems like such a luxury to have "built in" day care. But that's not real life. and part of me is excited to get back to it.

The Perfect Labor Day

i begged Enoch to whisk me away for a night.He had Labor Day off for the first time in years so since we've barely made it out of my confinement month, we made the "huge trek", all five of us to the W hotel across the Dumbarton bridge.
It was just perfect, a change of scenery, away from the house with all its errands and contractors dropping by ( the pool man, the refrigerator man, the gardener ), away from the long hallway that seemed just too long for painful steps, and monitors that echoed Aidan's crying into all corners of the house.
The W was beautiful, all of us confined in a room, with a little kitchenette, and Nally swimming for 2 hours in the pool. It was just nice to see my husband restfully reading instead of running around like crazy, i could focus on my baby, focus on sleeping instead of chasing nally all around.
Even my milk supply went up.
So my sister asked my mom " so all of you are going to sleep in one room?" Miracle of miracles, we all slept in. The baby, nally, Enoch, Mommy and i -- till 8.30/9 am. The boy slept 4 hours, barely fussed, the girl we isolated in the bathroom in her W stainless steel crib, slept through fabulously considering she is always so distracted in a new environment.
Just the perfect getaway for the night.
Thank you husband.

Rejoicing comes in the Morning

So thanks to everyone's prayers, my mastitis seems to be abating. No more fevers and rigors and i woke up for the first time this morning without this huge crushing pain on my chest. Miracle of miracles, my little boy is latching on my right breast, although he wrecked my nipple again drawing blood. i might call in a lactation consultant just for the right breast, which is such a pain since all the nurses said he latched fine in the hospital and i am resigned to biting down hard whenever he latches.
The sad thing is he's gotten thrush from all my antibiotics but is still such a wonderful sport. just eats and eats and eats.....
Enoch gave me a full night's sleep yesterday which was the best gift in the world.

Extra special little boy

My nanny horrified me by telling me today that she feels that little boys are extra special in chinese culture. i always knew that but since she absolutely adores nally and she her, i was horrified to know that it was her belief.
It comes out in her little prophecies declared during her chat sessions with him -- " you will be smarter than your sister" " your father will love you more", "you are so much more beautiful than your sister".
Suddenly i am fiercely protective of my little baby girl, since we have such a specifically Chinese family and in-laws.
Enoch insists that his parents are not partial, but he is one of 3 boys. i know that they rave over his 8 lbs 3 oz ( which i take full credit for ; )
But the minute i feel like natalie is to be made to feel less special than her brother because he is a boy -- i will be just livid.

Not urgent enough for urgent care

So let me qualify by saying that my husband is known for his bedside manner with his patients. Geriatric patients LOOOOOVE him ( in the clinic and among friends ). Even from his residency days when his fibromyalgia patients used to refer him to each other. He used to get suicidal calls from his psych patients back in residency when he actually gave his number out. His urgent care patients looove him and despite his choice not to do longitudinal care and to do urgent care instead of family practice, his patients still track him down by calling the front desk to see if he's on.
But perhaps the bar is different when he is your husband. i know i expect very little from my doctor. He just have to spend 5 more minutes with me, grunt sympathetically and i am infinitely grateful.
But from my husband, when
- he watches me shake uncontrollably talking on the cell phone for 5 minutes before he hangs up.
- takes 15 minutes to get to my room when i am immobilized with a massive shake attack with soaring 104 fevers because he is in the garden
- lays in bed half asleep with his eyes closed when i hold my pump bottles shaking and jumps up only when i am done
- looks at me quizzically when i burst into tears in the doctor's office today because i am still not getting better and my dad is leaving for Singapore tonight and says " what's wrong? "
- tells me " i am on the phone." when i tell him that i am pumping weird non milk stuff from my breast
i really wonder.
perhaps i'll get better treatment if i was his patient instead of his wife.

Day 4 of shakes and fevers

Woke up this morning with a fever and uncontrollable shakes again. They are so violent that i am so tired from shaking i just want to pass out. i figured out why i felt didn't have fevers all yesterday but my incision and abs, hurt every step i walked -- it's because i used it to shake all day the day before ( does that count as a crunch? )
i am so tearful.... i feel like this is my payback for not eating well, and eating my vitamins and walking all around this house that no one can hear me if i stayed in my room. i am never going to get better and Aidan's never going to get "trained" because everyone is in survival mode and i am too "weak" to fight them.
The antibiotic is not working. Enoch is now worried about a uterine infection. i groan i am not going in for ANOTHER operation and have to re-recover all over again.
The good news is that my son is taking my left boob again. And my right seemed to subside after 8 hot compresses, but since i was too tired to get up last night, it's sore again this morning.
i dragged myself to take natalie to Gymboree yesterday to meet "normal" people. It was good because i met a mother of a 2 year old and twins, and she said that she switches from boob to bottle, to bottle to boob, and switches between 3 brands of formula. She has 3 kids under 3 and the last thing she wants is a baby stuck on some "one way of feeding".And it was such a refreshing and encouraging perspective.
It gave me hope to believe my baby has the flexibility to deal, and life is not all black and white, and God will have mercy during this time.

What's the big deal about breastfeeding?

Woke up this morning with a fever of 104. Dragged myself out of bed and woke up my child to eat. He is pushing 4 hours in the day but then eats at 2 hour intervals in the night. So i am trying to reverse it.
I watch him sleep and doze and fuss and protest on my breast and i just am so discouraged. Now he even rejects my left boob, the only one he would eat till now. His refusal of the right has given me mastitis. He had the Haberman all day yesterday because i was in bed with the shakes.
i told God "forget it!" This is ridiculous, i am sore and tired, and shaky and feverish and i have this ungrateful little boy on my boob refusing to nurse.
Told God i'd give him a month. If he doesn't work things out, i am going all pump. His sister was a pump baby and was all better for it.
What's the big deal about breast feeding? Been there, done that -- over it.

Mastitis

ok.... now that we have a refill on Vicoden and i still had violent chills and a fever of a 104 two nights in a row now Enoch finally called my OB in for a diagnosis on Mastitis. The problem is baby boy hates my right boob and even though i pump it after every feed, it still gets plugged and clogged. Now even pumping gets very little out. So i am on antibiotics and i just stuffed cabbage leaves into my nursing bra. Everywhere hurts now.... boobs incision and all. Perhaps a good signal to slow down and rest.

Vikaden Withdrawal

Oh my gosh, just went through the scariest experience.
Was just finishing feeding Aidan, totally together, happy as a clam, then i started shaking and couldn't stop. Even Enoch--after staring at me shake while on the cell with his best friend Simon for 5 mins--decided to hang up. i couldn't walk, i couldn't move, i just couldn't stop shaking and i was freezing. Absolutely freezing, even though we were in one of the hottest nights of the season.
So Enoch helped me into bed, gave me some Motrin and some water, patted me and declared me "exhausted!".
But after waking up from just an hour of rest, i suddenly understand why. i had run out of my stash of Vikaden all day and decided that it was a good time to wean myself off, since i didn't want a refill.
Now i know what a junkie feels like their first night of rehab.
At least a little.
No more Vikaden for you!

Afternoon to myself

It's the Sabbath and after i convinced my mother to let me break Chinese tradition and go to church ( i'm suppose to be confined for a month ), i suddenly find myself with the house to myself just me and the baby. Enoch has a family luncheon in San Francisco and Natalie is spending the night with my parents at my sister's.
Never thought i needed it so much, with all the "permanent" guests of my in-laws, my parents and the confinement nurse that comes daily. This time round, as i feared, there are too many people in the house.
Last time, my mother didn't come till the 2nd month and his parents came less for some reason and Enoch and i had a real feel for what it is like to be a family with a new addition.
But i am so grateful for my parents for fussing over Natalie. She officially heard Aidan 2 nights ago after 5 nights of sleeping through his cries, is outraged by thought of us being up without her, and protested today by crying all through church service in the nursery.
So the quiet is just wonderful.... refreshing, grounding. i am still all in all territorial of my mind space.
Just an afternoon gives me the perspective and the strength to face another week of people again.