Mindspace

Misunderstanding

"Mommy nai nai! screams from a different room.
"oh.... can you wipe it up? " muffles from underneath the covers. The kids were playing outside with cups with straws and i assumed it was Nally announcing a spill.
"WHAT MOMMY?"
" Wipe it up"
"But i didn't spill it!" ( who taught my child this sense of fairness already. She is quick to point out only Aidan's messes )
" Get a cloth for Aidan then, make him wipe it up"
"BUT I DIDN'T SPILL IT! "
i make a mental note to try to explain why sometimes we have to pick up other people's messes or do things for others as service.
" Mommy" thumping footsteps to my bedside.
"How many times i tell you. i didn't spill it. The milk didn't spill. i want more nai nai "
" ohhhhhh" sheepish.
"i am sorry Nally, mommy made a mistake. you didn't spill."

Homeschooling Updates II

At Oracle, i used to have to give a weekly progress report listing all the accomplishments of the week. My manager would compile her team and send it up to her VP. They called it the status.
Home schooling is so "isolated" i feel like i need to be accountable somehow. So here are the latest from the school-front.
Water table Version 2.0

The square one is now a pasta and rice table. We got an under the bed storage tray, and put it on top of some nailed together wood ( some remnants of an IKEA product that came incomplete and we weren't organized to return ). The little stand, the baskets, the buckets and the funnels are from the Chinese store.
Water table 3.0 is going to be a Volume and Weight table.

Space Sand
This funky sand that is powder above water and mass under the water. The best price is at Discount School Supply.
The kids were wierded out as were the adults and Aidan had a hard time figuring out why water wasn't doing a job of cleaning.

Floating boats
We made little boats out of foam and blew them across the water. It was fun making the sails out of colored masking tape and tooth pick. Aidan loved putting it in and blowing it.
i think we'll try the next competition with straws.

Light At Night
We've been playing with glow sticks at night. Gifts from my dad from Singapore. The kids are loving it especially in the tent we got from IKEA.
It's a special treat i reserve for only when guests come over

Writing with Gak
Nally can spell her name, but when she writes, we usually get to NATA and then we get distracted. We've been writing in all kinds of materials, Brite Lights, and recently with Gak.

Godspeak in Bible Study Fellowship

Thank you for speaking to me today Lord,
today i specifically left my journal at home and brought instead my large-margin Bible with new intentions to anchor myself in your word, instead of doodling things to do list. It's amazing how you honor my little steps to draw close.
You talk to me about:

Imperfect Great men
Abraham just like Adam abdicated his authority when Sarai complained to him about Haggar. He didn't tell her about God's promises then, or when she tried to take things into her own hands.
His sin was Man's signature one at the Fall, the one of omission, of saying nothing. As the women in my group sighed sympathetically, You remind me that these were still great men in the Bible. That David, the man that you called one after your own heart was a permissive parent. Adam said nothing while Eve listened to the serpent. Abraham never reiterated the conversations he had with you to Sarai strengthening his wife's faltering faith. Yet You loved them. You don't despise them. You called them great men in the Bible. As should i my husband.

The Call to Submit
Just as Haggar runs into the desert instead of staying to face a hard situation, i choose so many times to "opt out" in this marriage. i "leave" physically or emotionally instead of staying to confront. Today Your word is "stay and submit" not because what Sarai did was right, or that she was worthy, but because You have already made provision for me in this marriage as you had for Haggar. Ishmael was promised the same inheritance Isaac would have except without the land. You tell me to return and submit because it is the Divine order, because it is only way that God can bless me, because i am following a Divine pattern far bigger than i can imagine.

The Covenant's Things to Do list
God's Things to Do list

As for me ( God ), He will make Abraham very fruitful ( Genesis 17:6 ), He will establish a covenant as an everlasting covenant, He will make nations of him, He will give Canaan to him, He will give Abraham an everlasting possession.
Abraham's Things to Do list
As for you ( Abraham) He must keep his covenant, him and the generations to come.

On a day that i am usually sorely distracted with my things-to-do list while listening to the lecture, i am struck by the contrast between the two lists. God's list was long. Action oriented, results guaranteed. In the covenant to Abraham, He will "make, establish, give". His list focussed on doing.
Abraham's was short, relationship based. He was suppose to concentrate on being.
As i grapple with what i am to do with my life during this phase of mothering. i am struck by how short His list is for me. His will for me is about covenant keeping, abiding and being. And that if there were any huge accomplishments to do, it would be effortless. He would do it not me.

The I-ness of the Abrahamic Covenant
Through all the conversations about the covenant,  God mentions "I" sixteen times. His promise was revealed in phases, each one never once mentioning Abraham's part until the very last. In each revelation it was God repeating " i will .... i will.... i will....". Contrast this with Sarai's incorrect speculation " ... perhaps I will build a family through her ( Haggar )".
If the promise was going to be fulfilled it would have to be unmistakably, irrevocably, undeniably God. He waited for 24 years before every scrap of Abraham's ability and ambition to give himself an heir was gone. His timing is perfect. He wants the glory.

It was just beautiful. A lovely analogy for this journey of waiting and sojourning i've been about whether or not i should go back to work. i know that i have a Promise. i know He has something in store. But i don't know what, and my mind races, and runs ahead, and i try to predict His plan. i try to come up with solutions. i end up with lots of Ishmaels instead.
So i breath a prayer of thanksgiving, for the tenderness of His guidance in the life of this frail and fallible man. One who's faulty love for Him was so irresistible that He chose to take the finite desire of Abraham's heart, his longing for an heir and blow it up to magnitudes beyond his wildest dreams.
i am moved once again that God never asked us for anything else but a relationship. That is "perfection" enough. He put Abraham to sleep and have Jesus take his place when He needed something to work  the legal requirements of the covenant sacrifice.
His provision is already in store for me. He has everything i need. He is my shield and my very Great Reward.

My baby girl

You are so loving lately,
your teacher said today you were such a delightful child. and i am thrilled to bits watching you laugh at yourself when your shoe fell off. i love coming early and watching you in class without you knowing, and love hearing another parent tell me " is that your child? she is so happy! ". Who would have guessed you were the quiet, slow-to-warm up child that was the youngest in your Pre-School Family class.
These days you are all mommy. You push daddy's hands away when he tries to read to you, you insist on me praying, you insist on me giving you a bath. Our bedtime ritual has become enshrined into something so sacred you let no one in. i am secretly thrilled but overwhelmingly tired. Especially since you howl and throw a tantrum if your father comes get you in the morning and bring you to our bed. You lie next to me and throw a tantrum too loud for me having gotten up 3x for your brother.
But today, i hug you and you curl your arms around me and i kiss you like i kiss your brother, incessantly, addictive-ly and you smile this pleased "baby smile" that you save for when i treat you like a baby. You arch your back and laugh soaking every minute of my attention up, eating everything up.
and i can't help but believe that all this loving gives you the strength to run and jump and play with strength and joy and confidence.

Day of Accomplishments

Baby Girl,
what a big day it has been for you:
-- your teacher said she was so impressed with how you play with the big kids. How you jump in and participate with whatever they're doing ( ie. playing "train" ).
that thrills my heart much more than if you can count to 50. can i tell you that i can't do that now, just jump into a group with confidence and joy, without self consciousness ? i pray that growing up will never take that away from you and that God will protect that joy. You thrill me with all my dreams for you to be well-socialized more than well-learned.
-- you informed me that baby doll "no like it" ( no like bubbles) differentiating your love for bubbles with baby boy's fear of water. You shield his eyes like a good mommy.
-- you grabbed a piece of your 20 piece Elmo puzzle which we worked on yesterday and invited me to come play. ( which is my biggest thrill ). Completed it with suggestions. and then wanted to do it 3 more times ( "again!") i turned you down the 4th time only to call aunty fran to tell her how excited i was that she did it, more that she loved doing it, that she wanted to do it over and over and that you said "hm... hm... hm... " while fitting each piece together.
Can i tell you how it thrills my heart that you like puzzles? because i hated it as a child? i hated not knowing how to do it? i hated feeling like a failure? and all of me wants to protect you from it now, offering help, but you show me how you can sit in the uncertainty of not knowing until you fit the pieces together?
Can i tell you how it tickled me that you wanted moo-moo by your side, and that you were so thrilled when it cheered you on? and said "can i help?"
-- you differentiated between a cyclist and a "picture" of a cyclist on the way home from school.
-- you laughed so hard paused and then asked me if you were funny. " i'm funny?" and then laughed and said " i'm laughing" with such joy.
-- you ate "egg soup" for breakfast ie. half boiled eggs, "egg soup" for dinner ie. egg porridge.
-- you were so upset with the hot porridge, complaining that it was "too hot" differentiating "hot" "cold" and "warm".
-- you said "mie mie jiao" when i said "xiao xiao yang" a phrase out of our chinese book
-- i ran your fingers over the letter M and N and you re-fingered it yourself thrilled.

How can a stay-at-home-mom not make a difference? we've only done homeschooling for a week and you have sorted, and counted and made puzzles and absorbed everything. You absorb everything like a sponge and you are starved to do anything with me, even school. As i work with other moms to create a chinese homeschooling class, i know all of my training culminates for this moment.

WaterProof Baby

So i left the child on the potty while i checked some mail, tending to an "ow-ie knee" that has been going on for several days. Enoch and i are torn between thinking it's really a sprained knee or one that miraculously gets "healed" with the A&D ointment that she has deemed "mediseen" since it cured her diaper rash the first time. i handed her the A &D tube and stepped away.
10 minutes later, i am struck by the unusual state of silence and walked back to our limestone, oil-stainable bathroom to find a toddler covered with A&D ointment virtually waterproof. i mean i could barely wash the tube down with water, racking my brain for what the antidote is to oil if the opposite is water.
We scrubbed her down with as much body soap as possible and put her in an extra-thick PJ.
So much for my waterproof child.

Accident Prone Weekend

It's been such an accident prone weekend for Natalie. She was running and ran into our friend's knee cap and it gave her a black cheek ( vs. a black eye ). She kind of hurt her knee 2 weekends ago jumping in an inflated jumper and we let her do it again this past weekend and enoch thinks it aggravated her knee. Today, she jumped off a trampoline in Gymboree and it really made her limp. To top it off, she fell on her back on the slippery kitchen floor and wailed for "daddy". Breaks my heart. Enoch of course is worried that she might have a torn ligament and wants her to see a sports medicine doc, me i wonder when my little girl has gotten so fragile since she's always been miss miniature teflon-girl due to both her mother's blind faith in the blood of Jesus and pure denial. Either way, she is in great spirits and still running a mile a minute.

Floor Time

i went to a parenting lecture yesterday and i am reminded again of the importance of Floor time. 20 mins a day of undivided, child-led, child initiated interaction. They say that once you do it regularly, children learn to depend on it, and as they grow older, it translates into the times when they will tell you about the bullies in school, their problems with work etc.
Enoch was so inspired that he jumped out of bed to "clock in" his 20 mins before he started work at 11am.
My friend Limarys said "20mins that's it?" but if you think about it? it's really hard to let the child lead. i am reading long after Natalie is done listening, i am always trying to initiate a learning opportunity. it's hard to be "at the child's disposal".
i do feel like i do alot of the times though, be present with her. and when i look at the house and the list of undone chores, i have the trade-offs to prove it. also, it's such an unnatural thing for me - playing- that i am exhausted at the end of the day. Work energizes me -- play exhausts me.
But when i think of how much i would love it, and how much our lives, relationships and marriage would benefit from just 20mins of real listening -- i think that is the best gift i can give her everyday.
No memories of cleaning.

Delirious at Bedtime

natalie whimpers on the monitor and after a night out at BSF i am thrilled to find an excuse to go in her room to visit. i go in to find a beaming 18M delighted to see me instead of the nanny.
i say " is your nose stuffy again?"
she sniffs and attempts to blow her nose.
i pick her up and she points to her medicine. my little benadryl junkie.
who says she can't have a conversation?
we hear the garage door open and daddy is home.
she is just delirious. the happiest i've seen all day.
giggling.... smiling, swaying to and fro, almost skipping.
she laughs and greets daddy with glee and giggles.
it's just the picture perfect end of day.
enoch and i cannot stop smiling.
the child does "jack in the box" like 10 times, her face flat to the ground.
i am amazed how a child can get 2 grown adults to bury their heads in the ground over and over at 9 o'clock at nite.
she also leads us in a series of "yays!' which signals Jack's exit out of the box.
"isn't it the most perfect thing to come home to?" i ask?
" i am glad i left work to come home early -- work can wait"
" i am glad she's up too, because i won't see her all day tomorrow"
i am touched he realizes, most dad wouldn't even skip a beat.
they're bonding, there's no getting around childcare. when you put in the hours, magic happens.
and as watch her run and throw herself into his arms dissolving with giggles i know.... daddy's home.

Tired

i have really consumed lately. Haven't had much energy to go sketching, or meet with girlfriends, or read for my bookclub. Ever since Natalie started walking, life has me exhuasted at nite -- a time i usually am infused with a second wind of energy. Ever since she was born, the sight of her asleep would send me dancing around the house thrilled with my newfound break.
Now i crawl right into bed a wall away and take random, out of the blue naps.
i was so tired a couple of weeks ago, that i thought i was definitely pregnant, since that was the only symptom i experienced my first trimester. Turns out i was just PMSing.
The funny thing is i don't feel claustrophobic Perhaps it's because she is so interactive now, that when i close the door to her room at 7.30-8 pm i feel fully interacted with, stimulated and fulfilled. So either my brain is slowly dying, ( although it still lets me do my research at Stanford ), i've been reduced to the lowest common denominator of stimulation ( that of a 17M old ) or i am adjusting too well to mothering a toddler.
My vow going into mothering, was to be completely present. Something i didn't really inherit in my childhood in my parents. i had many memories of them taking very good care of me, but few memories of my mother playing with me.
So i throw myself headlong into Natalie's world these days. Which is very fascinating.
Today we took the flashlight out at dusk and she was so thrilled to see it light the way of autumn leaves.
During bathtime, i somehow turned on the a different set of bathroom lights and she was intrigued by how it cast a shadow of her on the floor of the bathtub.
She echoed "gymboree" when i said " let's go to gymboree" a phenonmena i am sure is entirely unrepeatable.
She kiesses the little baby at the end of the book and waves to her bye bye.
I am entralled.
Not enough to find enough energy to read research regarding. But enough to know hear her brains churning in a new way that i haven't heard before.
i don't know... it's awsome... it's amazing.... it's tiring.