Mindspace

Nallys' first day of school

One of those perfect days i savor still holding my breath at it's close. Nally's first day of school at Crescent Park -- the one day i've been dreading all these months, guilt-ridden for changing schools on her for the 3rd time, nervous about withdrawing from Montesorri and putting her in a play-based school, lame from caving into a screaming hysterical son that made my 20 min trip driving nally there and back unbearably excruciating hence choosing a school 0.9 miles away.
She did wonderful. i put my whole day on hold, preparing for the worst. She's been sick, extra regressed and clingy, never did separate without tears at Montesorri, has just spent the last 2 weeks without any BSF, or PSF or even the church nursery as an excuse to separate. i cancelled all errands, breathe a sigh of relief from not having to go to work and waited.
But she did marvelous. Sensed it within the first 30 mins i was there. She was engaged, and intrigued with the hamsters and the cotton wool polar bear table, with the balls and the books and the climb-up house in the corner. If there was one thing that would distract my child from emotional distress is intellectual stimulation ( not even being carried all day ). Remnants of mommy.
So i tell the teacher i will come back at lunch and stay to tuck her into nap. And so i journal at Starbucks and shop for groceries, wake baby boy, nurse baby boy, get gas, meticulously strap him in, get him out, was on my way into the school when the teacher stopped me at gate and said 'Don't come in -- she's doing great ! we called your cell and your husband at the office to tell you -- don't come in! "
Apparently, she did so great, warmed up to all the teachers, was what they called a "lover" was independent, "gobbled up her lunch".
i was in tears with joy. Reminded me of the day when i dropped her off her first playschool Holly Oak and i picked up the permit for the remodel on the same day. i was more thrilled at how well my daughter adjusted to school than the fact that i just gotten a Palo Alto permit over the counter within an hour. Nally's adjustment was a greater gift from God.
i couldn't be more proud. Especially since this same director had cautioned me about my child having attachment problems with me switching schools on her so much. i wanted to say -- look she's great, she's doing well, she's independent and curious and exploratory, she's stimulating and interested. All my prayers for her at Starbucks are answered. i suddenly remember the scriptures i prayed that my children would be the "head and not the tail", and i hugged God for giving her favor from man.
i knew nally had great day when she came home in high spirits, babbling non stop. While she always clung to me at Montessorri, she took my hand and wanted to show me around the school and tell me about her day.
i swore she said " Watch out please" to me when i bumped into something today. i am thrilled to bits. thank you jesus, thank you thank you jesus.
and baby boy only cried once today in the car.

Nallys' first day of school

One of those perfect days i savor still holding my breath at it's close. Nally's first day of school at Crescent Park -- the one day i've been dreading all these months, guilt-ridden for changing schools on her for the 3rd time, nervous about withdrawing from Montesorri and putting her in a play-based school, lame from caving into a screaming hysterical son that made my 20 min trip driving nally there and back unbearably excruciating hence choosing a school 0.9 miles away.
She did wonderful. i put my whole day on hold, preparing for the worst. She's been sick, extra regressed and clingy, never did separate without tears at Montesorri, has just spent the last 2 weeks without any BSF, or PSF or even the church nursery as an excuse to separate. i cancelled all errands, breathe a sigh of relief from not having to go to work and waited.
But she did marvelous. Sensed it within the first 30 mins i was there. She was engaged, and intrigued with the hamsters and the cotton wool polar bear table, with the balls and the books and the climb-up house in the corner. If there was one thing that would distract my child from emotional distress is intellectual stimulation ( not even being carried all day ). Remnants of mommy.
So i tell the teacher i will come back at lunch and stay to tuck her into nap. And so i journal at Starbucks and shop for groceries, wake baby boy, nurse baby boy, get gas, meticulously strap him in, get him out, was on my way into the school when the teacher stopped me at gate and said 'Don't come in -- she's doing great ! we called your cell and your husband at the office to tell you -- don't come in! "
Apparently, she did so great, warmed up to all the teachers, was what they called a "lover" was independent, "gobbled up her lunch".
i was in tears with joy. Reminded me of the day when i dropped her off her first playschool Holly Oak and i picked up the permit for the remodel on the same day. i was more thrilled at how well my daughter adjusted to school.
i couldn't be more proud. Especially since this same director had cautioned me about my child having attachment problems with me switching schools on her so much. i wanted to say -- look she's great, she's doing well, she's independent and curious and exploratory, she's stimulating and interested. All my prayers for her at Starbucks are answered. i suddenly remember the scriptures i prayed that my children would be the "head and not the tail", and i hugged God for giving her favor from man.
i knew nally had great day when she came home in high spirits, babbling non stop. While she always clung to me at Montessorri, she took my hand and wanted to show me around the school and tell me about her day.
i swore she said " Watch out please" to me when i bumped into something today. i am thrilled to bits. thank you jesus, thank you thank you jesus.
and baby boy only cried once today in the car.

Staying Needy

In the same spirit of the concert last night, it suddenly hit me journaling at Starbucks this morning yet another difference in the way i parent my daughter and son.
i have been contritely repentant of all the judgmental comments i've made toward my friends who are mother of sons; for the way they have such a mushy spot for their boys, determined that i would be different. This resolution i gave up instantly the minute Aidan arrived, realizing that i've fallen involuntarily in love in response to being unconditionally adored by a man-child.
But as much as i am so delighted with this bundle of pure need, and as i joyfully run to his summons for me, and i am totally reconciled with his preferential treatment as he tracks me around the room in his father's arms, i suddenly remember that i exhibited no such delight with natalie.
Instead i remembered a comment my dad made once in singapore about her need for me. He said " .....of course she wants the mother...." and i dismissed it almost embarrassed. No she doesn't, she is indiscriminate, she adjusts, she transitions, she never latched breast-feeding and takes the bottle from anyone, she can be cared for by multiple caretakers, she falls but is able to get up. i squirmed through all her clingy milestones claustrophobic and worried that she would never let me go.
Even today as i dropped her off at Montesorri, as she clung to my legs, i recall rolling my eyes, desperately annoyed at why after 6 weeks, she can't turn around wave bye bye and run the other way.
Yet my son whimpers and i run to him. He needs me and it's ok. Is it because he is an infant ? i never cut baby natalie any slack.
i come from a long line of women who demanded strength and resilience from their firstborn daughters. Among us we've survived rheumatoid arthritis, been a sole breadwinner for a family of 5 and succeeded through brutal comments from teachers in Singapore's meritocratic schools. We were all raised to "suck it up", pull up your bootstraps and deal with whatever life served us.
Surprise, surprise, we all have trouble being vulnerable, needy, dependent and soft. We are harsh with ourselves and harsh with others and unreconciled with our own frailty and neediness.
So as i catch myself saying "oopsa daisy nally, you fell it's ok get up!" or " no whining use your words" or chide others for being too soft on nally, i realize i am unconsciously passing on my tradition.
So ironically, my new parenting resolution whether for nally or aidan is to teach them needyness. That it's ok to be weak or needy, or sad or hurt. It's ok to fall or need help. It's ok to whine for mommy in the middle of the night. i want them to do what i am learning to do: sit with my weakness, befriend it and turn it over to the One who can be strong.

crying it out

i can let you cry
for minutes on end
clocked carefully on my watch
and listen to your anger fade to
sleepy complaints
but i cannot leave you
alone in a nursery
wondering if
i'll ever come back
go figure